I recently found out that a dear friend's husband made the life altering decision to leave her and their children. It was calculated, planned, and executed with precision. This decision has taken my friend off of the path she had planned to be on until death parted she and her husband. Hearing this news rocked me to the core, for several reasons. The first is that I would never have guessed that this man would choose this route. He seemed solid, devoted to his family, a "good guy." But it also rocked me to the core because my divorce is still so fresh. I remember well the feelings she is feeling, the absolute desolation and devastation. I remember the shock, depression, and visceral pain. And it has made me realize that the wounds I truly thought had healed, had merely scabbed over. They are weeping again.
When God allows our paths to change so drastically, it's a very turbulent situation. This loving, powerful, omnipotent God who loves us beyond comprehension, allows us to feel pain and desperation beyond anything we feel we can survive. It makes us ask questions of our God that we never wanted to ask. "How can you allow this? Do you really love me? If so, why don't you stop this?! Why, why, why?!" I remember getting angry at my God, yelling at Him, banging my fists into the sky! That's a sick feeling, but one that you simply cannot help at such times. However, what I remember more than the anger during those darkest hours, is that He made Himself known and heard in ways that left me breathless and speechless. I would turn on the radio in the car and hear a scripture that was comforting. Everywhere I would go for several days, I would hear this scripture, see this scripture, etc. It would be on everywhere! He made it very clear that it was a message directly from Him. If I was feeling especially scared, He would send a scripture of comfort. If my heart was filled with worry, He would send a scripture about peace. I remember a particular time when I was driving myself to a meeting at the attorney's office. I was shaking violently all over, and felt like I was going to have to pull my car over to get sick on the side of the road. I didn't even have words to pray. But during that time I kept my Bible in the front seat of the car at ALL times. It was a source of comfort to look over and see His word sitting there, knowing that the answer to any question I might have was right there! His word fed me like a starving child. As I was driving, a sense of calm literally washed over me starting at the top of my head down to the bottoms of my feet. It felt like a warm liquid that was so soothing to all of my wounds. And at the same time, I kept hearing in my head "Psalm 143, Psalm 143, Psalm 143." So as I drove up to the attorney's office and parked the car, I looked it up:
Ps 143 NIV
A psalm of David.
1 LORD, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
like those long dead.
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
6 I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.[a]
7 Answer me quickly, LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,
for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
11 For your name’s sake, LORD, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
I was floored. Every emotion I was feeling at that moment was touched upon in this Psalm! He was just letting me know that He heard my prayer even when I had no words. How sweet is our Heavenly Father! How amazing is His love for us! That was a moment I consider much like those amazing miracles in the Bible. He spoke almost audibly to me to simply show me that He was right there, and was in complete control. For my friend who has just entered this battle field, I pray for these moments that will carry her through. I pray for His nearly audible voice to reach down and pour a calm over her entire being. My heart is broken for her and for our situations, but our God is a God Who had bigger plans for us even when we can't see them out of our dark pit!!!!!
