Dirvorce-IT happens!

I recently found out that a dear friend's husband made the life altering decision to leave her and their children. It was calculated, planned, and executed with precision. This decision has taken my friend off of the path she had planned to be on until death parted she and her husband. Hearing this news rocked me to the core, for several reasons. The first is that I would never have guessed that this man would choose this route. He seemed solid, devoted to his family, a "good guy." But it also rocked me to the core because my divorce is still so fresh. I remember well the feelings she is feeling, the absolute desolation and devastation. I remember the shock, depression, and visceral pain. And it has made me realize that the wounds I truly thought had healed, had merely scabbed over. They are weeping again.

When God allows our paths to change so drastically, it's a very turbulent situation. This loving, powerful, omnipotent God who loves us beyond comprehension, allows us to feel pain and desperation beyond anything we feel we can survive. It makes us ask questions of our God that we never wanted to ask. "How can you allow this? Do you really love me? If so, why don't you stop this?! Why, why, why?!" I remember getting angry at my God, yelling at Him, banging my fists into the sky! That's a sick feeling, but one that you simply cannot help at such times. However, what I remember more than the anger during those darkest hours, is that He made Himself known and heard in ways that left me breathless and speechless. I would turn on the radio in the car and hear a scripture that was comforting. Everywhere I would go for several days, I would hear this scripture, see this scripture, etc. It would be on everywhere! He made it very clear that it was a message directly from Him. If I was feeling especially scared, He would send a scripture of comfort. If my heart was filled with worry, He would send a scripture about peace. I remember a particular time when I was driving myself to a meeting at the attorney's office. I was shaking violently all over, and felt like I was going to have to pull my car over to get sick on the side of the road. I didn't even have words to pray. But during that time I kept my Bible in the front seat of the car at ALL times. It was a source of comfort to look over and see His word sitting there, knowing that the answer to any question I might have was right there! His word fed me like a starving child. As I was driving, a sense of calm literally washed over me starting at the top of my head down to the bottoms of my feet. It felt like a warm liquid that was so soothing to all of my wounds. And at the same time, I kept hearing in my head "Psalm 143, Psalm 143, Psalm 143." So as I drove up to the attorney's office and parked the car, I looked it up:

Ps 143 NIV
A psalm of David.
1 LORD, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
like those long dead.
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
6 I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.[a]

7 Answer me quickly, LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,
for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.

11 For your name’s sake, LORD, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.

I was floored. Every emotion I was feeling at that moment was touched upon in this Psalm! He was just letting me know that He heard my prayer even when I had no words. How sweet is our Heavenly Father! How amazing is His love for us! That was a moment I consider much like those amazing miracles in the Bible. He spoke almost audibly to me to simply show me that He was right there, and was in complete control. For my friend who has just entered this battle field, I pray for these moments that will carry her through. I pray for His nearly audible voice to reach down and pour a calm over her entire being. My heart is broken for her and for our situations, but our God is a God Who had bigger plans for us even when we can't see them out of our dark pit!!!!!

Middle School

Middle School!!!!! Upon realizing I have only one week left of my rotation in middle school, I have learned a lot over the past several weeks. I had a very rough first week, setting this whole thing up as a negative experience. I broke up 2 fights and felt like a sore thumb as everyone tried to find a place for me in my new surroundings. I had no office or even a chair, leaving me to sit on the floor in the girl's office. I was a new face to the kids, leaving them a little skeptical as to what my purpose truly was! Was I there to inflict some kind of new torture on them, was I out to get them in trouble, etc. I was thrown into a group of coaches, none of whom I knew, who knew each other well, had inside jokes, etc. All of this is to simply say that the first few weeks were not fun. As the weeks wore on, I have gotten more comfortable in my new skin. I don't think middle schoolers will ever be my favorite segment of population. But I also have come to realize that though they often have head spinning, vomit spewing fits, they are not truly possessed creatures. They are kids. Some are sweet to the bone, others not so much. Some have wonderful, loving families, others have a far cry from that. I have seen a child taken out of class to visit with CPS about being hit by their father, and I had taken offense to the child's defiant attitude earlier in class. Go figure!!! I'd be angry and defiant as well. I've gotten sweet valentine's, big bear hugs, and wiped a few tears. I've talked a girl with emotional issues out of a corner where she refused to leave because "no one cared." I have seen kids twice my size, who look like they are twice their age, break down and cry because they are still just babies at heart. And I have wanted to yank every hair out of a few heads and wash mouths out with soap, etc. I have survived the culture shock of being in a community where morals and values truly matter to the majority, where disrespect is dealt with strongly and lovingly, and where Christ is at the center of everything done. Public school is very different and for those of you who aren't sure, you should visit to experience it yourself. I can promise the time of the month when that check is made out, would become less of a pain and more of a thankful moment. I am thankful for those Christian parents who send their kids into a place where Christ is so needed. We need more warriors there who are strong enough in their faith to shine their lights! I will now be adding these kids to my daily prayer list!!! I have grown to love those with whom I am working! I couldn't have found a better fit as far as personalities, etc. I will miss them and hope to sub there next year since the market is looking not so great! I will greatly miss a few of the students whom I have gotten to know well. It's very touching when a child reaches out to you and trusts you with their little lives. This part of teaching, the relationships, is what I am really looking forward to! I think I have a real gift of true care and concern for kids. I have found it is a gift that not all teachers share. So, all in all, I would brave middle school again. But I anxiously await getting to the little guys. One more week in middle school, and I graduate to elementary!!!

Things change!

I've recently found the most amazingly wise woman to follow. Her name is Regina Brett, and she has been a single mom, breast cancer survivor, and is wise beyond her 54 years! She wrote a little ditty called "45 Life Lessons, and 5 to Grow On." They all struck a cord with me, but the one that has become my mantra of sorts is, "Things can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks." Wow, now that is one refreshing statement. How comforting to know that even when our world is changing ever so drastically, God is in complete control and never blinks. He knows what is, what has been, and what is to come.

On that note, I approach this blog with a new outlook. It seems my life has been changing for the past 3 years on a daily basis. Each time we round a corner, something new awaits. Most of this newness has been a challenge, to say the least. However, my new newness is one of joy, restoration, and a hope for smoother roads ahead. It's amazing how our God works. When things happen that we don't understand, that hurt us, that confuse us, we have to accept the fact that our God is soooo far ahead of us in His plan. He knows things we could never understand. 17 years ago, I was in a similar situation. I was just out of college, young and free, and had just met the most wonderful, handsome guy. I thought he was the one within a month or so of dating. However, things changed when I called him one day after dating for about 2 months, and asked him what he'd been doing. His response, "I took my 5 year old daughter to her first day of kindergarten today." SHOCK!!! I had no idea, and he had wanted to wait to tell me for his own reasons. However, after the shock wore off, I grew to accept and even to love her. Circumstances mounted, and the immaturity of this 23 year old, forced me to make the decision to bale. He was going to school, paying child support, wrecked his only source of transportation, lost his insurance, etc. Times were tough for him, and I was unable to handle his baggage at the time. At the same time, a doctor at the hospital had been asking me everyday if I still had my boyfriend. I'd tell him yes. He would ask the next day. On the day after I told Mike it was not going to work out at the time, the doctor asked me the question, and this time my reply was "no." He asked me out and the next segment of my life began. I married him, had 3 beautiful children and marriage that slowly died over those years.

Mike went on with his life, and I with mine. Forward 17 years and we reconnect through a friend on facebook. As God would have it, we both are divorced, single, and have found that those sparks that were there are still alive. He is the sweetest, most amazing man I have ever met. He has given me hope that I thought was completely lost. I had NO plans of ever getting involved with anyone again, but God always has His own plan! Only He could've written such a story. He makes me feel like the
me" I lost somewhere along the way. It is a story that seems to be going from ashes to beauty. Of course, the story is just unfolding. Who knows where God will take it. There are 3 children involved, who will play a huge role in the story. But for now, I am loving this chapter! " Things can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks."