New beginnings

As the year comes to a close, I can honestly say that I am glad to have this one behind me. It has almost been 3 years now since my life took an alternate route. I had intended to stay on that same route the rest of my life, but life happens, and things change. Whereas it has felt as though we have been stranded in the desert for the past few years, I can finally see some fresh, new growth. While in the desert, everything was so dead. We were parched and dying a little more each day. Over each sand dune, I would pray for a drop of water to get us through the next one. And drops there were. God was so good to supply our every need. And eventually, as we travelled on in the desert, the terrain slowly but surely started changing. Instead of drops of water, we would find a small puddle here or there. Just when we felt we could go on no longer, God would satisfy our thirst and supply us with enough to go on. Eventually, we found a pond and green grass aplenty. Now, it seems there are still areas in which the grass struggles to grow, but overall there is so much more alive than dead! I am looking forward to this new year. As we attempt to find our new normal, we are excited to see what God has in store for us! Things are constantly changing, and we face new situations each day, but our God is a good God and will never let us down! Happy New Year!!! Blessings, Carol

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful" (John 15:1 NIV).

It has been quite a while since I have blogged! I've sat down several times and started one, but just never had it in me to finish. The past few years, in hindsight, have become quite a blur! They have been years of change, of pruning, of heartbreak, spiritual renewal, friendships, and again, much change. Around this time 3 years ago, I knew my marriage was coming to an end. I was aware of things that were yet to be mentioned, and much that was yet to be discovered, but all in all, I knew it was over. I remember putting out Christmas gifts that year, with tears flowing uncontrollably, with a sense of the impending and inevitable change that was just around the corner. I visualized past Christmas memories-when each child was born and we experienced that year with them, Christmas times when it was just the 2 of us, and the list goes on and on.

Sure enough, the changes came, and the kids and I have been through so much over the past few years. There have been heart wrenching times when we all huddled together and just cried. There were times when they held me and many times when I just held them and cried with them. There were times I wanted to run out of the house screaming for someone to come handle this beast that I was handed, feeling quite incapable! But there have been times of sheer laughter, joy unspeakable, and a peace that only an awesome God like the one we serve could allow at such a time.

We have now become accustomed to our new skin. We are constantly adjusting, but this has become our new normal. This past year, we left the home that had welcomed the arrival of 2 of the kids. They all took their first steps in that house, cut teeth in that house, and grew for many years. We had made friends with neighbors who had become like family. We knew each blade of grass in the front and back yard. We said goodbye to our beloved creek which held memories of rock skipping competitions, numerous photo sessions, and many ruined pairs of shoes! Each square inch of that house held a memory. Most of those memories were wonderful, but there were a few that we were glad to bid farewell. It was a very emotional experience, and one that I think helped us to finally realize the magnitude of change that had occurred. It was a definitive closing of one chapter, and a beginning of a brand new one. I had many fears during the transition. My only concern was that the kids would welcome our new home as a place of new, happy beginnings. With their dad moving into our old house, I was afraid it would hold them back from moving forward. But the move has been such a blessing. We are all very happy and this has become home. Home is truly where the heart is. One of the kids came home from a weekend at their old house with their dad and said, "Mom, it's really weird, but that house doesn't feel like home anymore!" Need I say more?

I am beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel. I am finishing my teaching certificate this semester, and will hopefully and prayerfully be more self sufficient next year. I am able to look back at that dark pit that consumed me for years and am thankful to be looking down into it as opposed to looking up from it! God has supplied my each and every need throughout these years. It has been a time during which I have seen my Savior in a new light. He has become a constant friend, and has been there to hold me when I have needed Him most. I've been a Christian for many years, but have found a new closeness I have never experienced. For this, I am eternally grateful. I have been changed through this experience, and I would not go back to the old me for anything.

I am looking forward to what God has in store for me. I am excited to see His story unfold. I know it will be to His glory and a plan that will prosper me! I can't wait to tell my ashes to beauty story...

We all fall down

Learning the Bicycle

for Heather

The older children pedal past
Stable as little gyros, spinning hard
To supper, bath, and bed, until at last
We also quit, silent and tired
Beside the darkening yard where trees
Now shadow up instead of down.
Their predictable lengths can only tease
Her as, head lowered, she walks her bike alone
Somewhere between her wanting to ride
And her certainty she will always fall.
Tomorrow, though I will run behind,
Arms out to catch her, she'll tilt then balance wide
Of my reach, till distance makes her small,
Smaller, beyond the place I stop and know
That to teach her I had to follow
And when she learned I had to let her go.

I heard a sermon today on the radio by Chuck Swindoll. He included this poem. It struck me as profound. I have found over the past couple of years that life is a bit like learning to ride a bike. It is often too scary to even try. And when we get brave enough to try, we sometimes fall down immediately. At times, we take off, feeling quite confident, and something happens that knocks us off balance. We fall down, we try to get back up, but fear stops us in our tracks. How often do we fail to let God catch us when we fall? How often do we fail to let Him hold us up while we catch our balance? How often do we tell Him that we are quite capable without Him?! We push His hands off of the bike because we most certainly know where we are going! We can do it alone! Who needs help?! We catch our balance, take off, and find ourselves in territory with which we are unfamiliar! We get scared and cry out to Him! He is always there when we discover ourselves on that bike in troubling territory! He never minds that we have shewed Him away! He is there to catch us when we fall! Thank you Heavenly Father for always being there for me, even when I am too ignorant to realize I need you so!

Summer comes to a close

As this summer is very quickly coming to a close, I have found myself reflecting on the past couple of years and how very far we have come. Last summer was the first summer we officially had as the four of us, though truth be known, the 5th wheel had checked out long before. Unfortunately for the rest of us, that 5th wheel seemed to drag us down and hinder us, more than we realized at the time. I can remember last summer even, though still in the doldrums of divorce and trying to keep our heads above water, feeling a sense of freedom and peace that had been nonexistent in our house for years prior. How sad is that?! And I was not the only one to notice. The kids all voiced at one time or another, in one way or another, the same sentiments. But this summer, we have even felt it more. I am sure that it comes with time and being able to move forward! It comes with the pruning of the dead branches that were killing the whole tree! It comes with healing! This summer has been the best we have ever had, and that is leaving me a little sad that school is starting back tomorrow. I am usually very ready! But we have had the best time and with every year that passes, I see the kids getting so much older and bigger. Caroline went from looking like a little girl to a young woman over the summer. As a mom, we have several times and stages where we want to stop time and just enjoy what we have at that moment. I am in one of those stages right now. Please help me stop this. I don't want them to get any bigger or more grown up for a while longer. I don't want the summer to end. However, time stops for nothing and no one. Tonight I will tuck my babies in bed, and tomorrow they will start another school year. It has been a great summer. We are so very blessed!!!

Life is a journey, not a destination!

On a recent trip to the HIll Country, aka God's Country, I took a day trip to view one of nature's miracles called Hamilton Pool. Hamilton Pool formed when a cave over an underground river collapsed many years ago, creating a waterfall and swimming grotto. Once you park your car, you have to hike about half a mile or so down to the pool. As I was hiking along the rocky and somewhat unsteady trail, I found myself carefully measuring every step. I was looking down when I realized that I was so focused on my footing that I might be missing some of the landscape. I stopped and looked up to find that I was traveling right beside a gorgeous sheer wall of granite. It was probably about 75 feet tall and had the markings that only time, and a bit of help from the Creator, can reveal. It occurred to me that so many times in life this is the case. We are so focused on our destination that we miss so much of the journey. We get caught up in putting one foot in front of the other and forget to stop and look around at the beauty hidden in the journey. There were places along the trail that were very steep and surrounded by so many trees and shrubbery that the only thing you could see was the trail ahead. But if you kept going, eventually the trees would break and the shrubs would give way to a view of the river below and while out of breath, you couldn't help but forget about how hard it was to get to that point. Each of us has a destination. We may be unaware of what it might be. But don't get so caught up in your destination that you miss the beauty of the journey!

Peace!!!! Please!!!!!

I am struggling finding peace and needed these reminders that the only peace is through Christ!


Turn away from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
—Psalm 34:14
Great peace have those who love your law;
nothing can make them stumble.
—Psalm 119:165
Blessed is the one who finds wisdom,
and the one who gets understanding,
for the gain from her is better than gain from silver
and her profit better than gold.
She is more precious than jewels,
and nothing you desire can compare with her.
Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor.
Her ways are ways of pleasantness,
and all her paths are peace.
—Proverbs 3:13-17
You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.
—Isaiah 26:3
Oh that you had paid attention to my commandments!
Then your peace would have been like a river,
and your righteousness like the waves of the sea;
—Isaiah 48:18
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
—John 14:27
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
—John 16:33
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
—Romans 5:1
For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.
—Romans 8:6
For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Whoever thus serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men. So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.
—Romans 14:17-19
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
—Philippians 4:6-7
And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.
—Colossians 3:15
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all.
—2 Thessalonians 3:16

Ecclesiastes 9:11

"The race is not to the swift
or the battle to the strong"

Oh how the competitor in me grapples with this small portion of scripture. I have had the opportunity to be the swiftest and strongest many times in my life. It is only recently that I have come to accept and embrace the fact that I am most definitely not very swift anymore. I have realized that I am only somewhat strong in body, and very weak otherwise. When things go drastically differently than expected in life, it humbles you beyond recognition. Over the past year, I have found that I am only as strong as my weakness allows Christ to be in me. It is my weakness, in fact, that makes me stronger than I ever imagined I could be. If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would have to face what I've faced over the past year, I'd have told you there was no way I could make it through such. It seems too much to humanly bear, because it is.

A friend recently sent me an article written about a sermon that has been passed down through the years and has become known as one of the best sermons ever taught. Arthur John Gossip tragically lost his wife when they were in their middle years, and the following Sunday he stood in the pulpit to preach. His first sentence: "When Life Tumbles In, What Then?" The text he followed with was Jeremiah 12:5 : ‘So, Jeremiah, if you’re worn out in this footrace with men, what makes you think you can race against horses? And if you can’t keep your wits during times of calm, what’s going to happen when troubles break loose like the Jordan in flood?’ Gossip preached: ‘I don’t think you need to be afraid of life. Our hearts are very frail, and there are places where the road is very steep and very lonely, but we have a wonderful God. And, as Paul puts it, “What can separate us from his love? Not death,” he writes immediately. No, not death, for standing in the roaring of the Jordan, cold with its dreadful chill and very conscious of the terror of its rushing, I, too, like Hopeful in Pilgrim’s Progress, can call back to you who one day in your turn will have to cross it, “Be of good cheer, my brother, my sister, for I feel the bottom and it is sound.” Gossip had reached the bottom of who he was in his grief. But at the bottom, he reached the core of all that he believed: ‘You people in the sunshine *may* believe the faith, but we in the shadows *must* believe it. We have nothing else!’ (John Mark Ministries. Richland Croucher. December 12, 2005. When Life Tumbles In, What Then?)

This very subject has been heavy on my heart lately. I've struggled with comments from those around me about how "strong" I have been through my struggle. They are amazed at "how I've held up." They can't believe I'm "doing so well." Each time I hear such well meaning comments, I feel like I must certainly look at them with a very confused expression. I know immediately that they have not seen me on the floor of my bedroom, crying my heart out over the sheer magnitude of loss, over the torture my innocent children are going through because of things over which they have no control. They haven't seen me pounding my fists into a pillow that is wet from tears. They haven't seen me in my weakest form, fretting over what my life is going to look like for the next however many years! But maybe, just maybe, they are seeing the result of my getting to those weakest moments, and knowing that I am so incapable of doing ANY of this. For it has been in those very difficult moments that I've found that in my weakness, Christ is ever so strong. In my inability, He is so fully capable! In my brokenness, He is my whole! In my desperation, He is my hope! In my loneliness, He is my constant loving companion! In my fear, He is my peace! In my exhaustion, He is my rest! In my turmoil, He is my peace! So "when life tumbles in, what then?" I suppose we either run to Him, or from Him. But I can't imagine having lost so much, turning my back on the One true hope in this life! I cannot even imagine the absolute terror of facing a major crisis in life, and not having my God, my Savior, my Father carry me through it! Without Him, I can do nothing! So I run to HIm and He is always there!

This Sunday, I'm running a race called the Warrior Dash. I like a challenge, and this looks like it's definitely going to be one challenge after another. I'd initially signed up feeling like I've been in a battle of sorts, and feeling a bit warriorish. I planned to train really hard for it, and finish it in true warrior style. But life just keeps on tumbling in, and my initial plans didn't pan out (sounds a little like my life, huh). The training fell aside to stuff, kids, more stuff, etc. My plans to finish in warrior style have subsided to hoping I will be able to crawl over the finish line. But "the race is not always to the swift, or the battle to the strong." I believe the race is to he who, in spite of his circumstances, is able to run or crawl into the Savior's arms, who is willing to embrace his weakness, and allow Christ to be strong in and through him!

But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV)

A year

It's come and gone, the anniversary of sorts. I was kind of hoping it would feel like a new beginning. However, it seems that as with everything in divorce, the way is flooded with unexpected mountains to climb. Just as you reach the summit of one, you realize there is another just ahead which is even larger. It's just exhausting. Had a meeting with my attorney yesterday trying to see if we can close this chapter anytime soon. I have gotten more and more anxious as the ending certainly has to be getting closer day by day. God is so sweet to always remind me of His provisions. On the way, I was listening to the radio. The following 2 songs were on back to back:

Fragile by Jamie Slocum

The storms of life are surrounding me
They're closing in on every side
And I'm so scared I don't know where to run
I'm crawling to Your door Jesus, I need a lifeline
Don't turn me away
Here I am
Lord I need You to rescue me
The pain inside is too much for me
I'm broken and shattered
I need You more than ever
To piece me back together
And handle me with care
'Cause you know my heart is fragile
I can't take another sleepless night
I'm weary from the battles I've lost
God don't be far away I need You to find me
You're the only one that I can talk to
Here I am
Lord I need You to rescue me
This pain inside is too much for me
I'm broken and shattered
I need you more than ever
So piece me back together
And handle me with care
'Cause you know my heart is fragile
Here I am
Lord I need You to rescue me
This pain inside is too much for me
I'm broken and shattered
I need you more than ever
To piece me back together
And handle me with care
with care
(Father, Father, do you hear me praying?)
(Please don't leave me alone)
(Hear me praying)
(Please don't leave me alone)
(all alone...all alone)
Handle me with care
'Cause you know my heart is fragile
'Cause you know my heart ....
...is fragile
(Couldn't have said it better myself!!!)

Unredeemed by Selah

The cruelest world
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every lie that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed
(What a beautiful promise!!!)

I'm pretty much at the end of my rope of sorts. I know He will provide me with a new energy. I can only hope and pray it's very soon!

Anniversary of sorts

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of the day I knew my marriage was really over. It was a month after he came home from the trip with my brother and told me he wanted a divorce. It was still 3 days before he moved out. But it was on this day I finally knew! Today is his birthday. I can't tell you exactly what happened that night, but it was painfully apparent that I was not the one he wanted to be with that evening. The thing I do remember is feeling this incredible weight on my chest that threatened to suffocate me. A year later, here I sit, and he and the kids are out celebrating. How much happened in a year!!!??? Didn't know today would be hard, but it kind of has been! I'm ready for the next few days to be over and I will have made it through all of the firsts!!! That will be a good milestone! Good night and many blessings!

Marriage is tough! Divorce is Tougher!!

Can I just say that in the middle of such an exhausting and trying time, you should have a day pass. My daughter periodically brings home this little piece of paper. It has only 2 little words on it, but she treasures them as if they were pieces of pure gold. The piece of paper says, "Homework Pass." On any given day, when she so desires, she attaches that little piece of paper to her homework and she doesn't have to do it-none of it! It's a brilliant concept. I want a little piece of paper that says, "Day Pass." On any given day, when I so desired, I could attach it to a day and just not do it-none of it! I don't know why exactly, but I think I'd use it today. There isn't anything that is happening that is out of the ordinary today-well all of my days right now are out of the ordinary. But I just don't want to do it today. I am so tired of having to work so hard everyday just to get through. I'm tired of dealing with what I deal with on a daily basis. I'm tired of the paperwork and the dividing up of stuff. Who cares about stuff when your life in unravelling?! Who cares about stuff when your kids are dealing with more adult stuff than most adults with whom I'm familiar?! I sound pretty pathetic, but I guess I'm kind of feeling a bit beaten at this time. I need a day to get away from everything, to escape my life as it has become, and to just get my head back on straight. I'd willingly even switch lives with someone for a day. I'll take on your laundry and kids, even your husband if you have one of those things (however, I will NOT sleep next to him and listen to his snoring since that is one of those glorious things I've come to not miss in the least!). I just need a break from this daily divorce stuff! Anyway, that's kind of where I am right now. I am tired.

Praise you in This Storm

Praise You in This Storm (Casting Crowns)
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus