2009

As I reflect on the past year, I am overwhelmed with the many emotions that arise. The saying, "So much can happen in a year" certainly has new meaning. This time last year, I was cruising through life as if it would last forever. I was taking life as it were for granted. One cold January day, that all changed. Life as I knew it, as I planned to always know it, was over. At first, I couldn't see. I was blinded by fear, grief, and anxiety. I couldn't put one foot in front of the other. I needed the world to stop moving for awhile so that I could gather myself and regroup. I needed to process what was happening and with the world still moving at such a crazy pace, I couldn't do it! I shut down for a couple of weeks and didn't tell anyone what was happening. I remember trying to get up the courage to even share the news with my family and couldn't make myself say the words. And at the same time, I'd never needed them to more than I needed them at that moment. Feelings of failure, regret, sorrow, disappointment, etc. consumed me. My mom was the first, of course, to realize something was terribly wrong. What in the world would we do without our mothers?! I tried to hide it from the world, but she knew something wasn't right. Her reaction was emotional, but perfect. After the words were spoken, it got a little easier. I shared only with family and a couple of close friends at first. I started praying for a few people outside of my immediate family and closer friends, who could support me in prayer and have a different perspective than those closest to me. Those prayers ended up being some of the most important prayers I have ever prayed, as those He chose for me to share with, wouldn't have been those I'd have chosen. Having been divinely chosen, they have become some of my closest friends and supporters. Out of the ashes of my desperation, I have come to know the beauty of Christian friends in a way I'd never experienced. My friends and family have grieved every heartache along with me. They have held me when I've needed to be held. They have taken time out of their very busy schedules and have made me feel as if I were the only thing they had to do! They have listened with open minds and hearts. They have watched me cry and complain. They have known the anger, the visceral anger! There have been times that I've needed to share something with them that I knew would cause them to hurt for me, and they responded with such compassion and love. They've opened their houses to me, taken me to lunch, and loved me through the most difficult year of my life. At first glance, it would be easy to see only the negatives. But upon closer examination, there are so many amazing morsels of miracles scattered all along the way. I will say that I would never have chosen this path for myself, but I willingly and obediently accept it as the path that God has allowed for my life, and the path that He is using to take me to a greater place. Though blinded by the immediate, I have faith that He will use all of this to further His kingdom and to draw me ever closer to Him! I can't wait to see what He has for me and my family. As I pack this year away and look forward to a new start, I have to say that it is with a bit of nostalgia that I close the lid. It has been a year of tremendous growth, and stretching of myself to lengths I never imagined possible. It has definitely been a year I will never forget! So to 2009, I say a sweet good bye but will be forever changed by all that occurred!

A few words to describe the conflicting feelings of this year in a nutshell:
Tragic and Miraculous
Terrible and Wonderful
Fearful and Faithful
Doubtful and Trusting
Sad and Happy
Alone and Surrounded
Rejected and Accepted
Failure and Success
Deceiving and Truthful
Exhausting and Exhilarating
Defeating and Victorious