2009

As I reflect on the past year, I am overwhelmed with the many emotions that arise. The saying, "So much can happen in a year" certainly has new meaning. This time last year, I was cruising through life as if it would last forever. I was taking life as it were for granted. One cold January day, that all changed. Life as I knew it, as I planned to always know it, was over. At first, I couldn't see. I was blinded by fear, grief, and anxiety. I couldn't put one foot in front of the other. I needed the world to stop moving for awhile so that I could gather myself and regroup. I needed to process what was happening and with the world still moving at such a crazy pace, I couldn't do it! I shut down for a couple of weeks and didn't tell anyone what was happening. I remember trying to get up the courage to even share the news with my family and couldn't make myself say the words. And at the same time, I'd never needed them to more than I needed them at that moment. Feelings of failure, regret, sorrow, disappointment, etc. consumed me. My mom was the first, of course, to realize something was terribly wrong. What in the world would we do without our mothers?! I tried to hide it from the world, but she knew something wasn't right. Her reaction was emotional, but perfect. After the words were spoken, it got a little easier. I shared only with family and a couple of close friends at first. I started praying for a few people outside of my immediate family and closer friends, who could support me in prayer and have a different perspective than those closest to me. Those prayers ended up being some of the most important prayers I have ever prayed, as those He chose for me to share with, wouldn't have been those I'd have chosen. Having been divinely chosen, they have become some of my closest friends and supporters. Out of the ashes of my desperation, I have come to know the beauty of Christian friends in a way I'd never experienced. My friends and family have grieved every heartache along with me. They have held me when I've needed to be held. They have taken time out of their very busy schedules and have made me feel as if I were the only thing they had to do! They have listened with open minds and hearts. They have watched me cry and complain. They have known the anger, the visceral anger! There have been times that I've needed to share something with them that I knew would cause them to hurt for me, and they responded with such compassion and love. They've opened their houses to me, taken me to lunch, and loved me through the most difficult year of my life. At first glance, it would be easy to see only the negatives. But upon closer examination, there are so many amazing morsels of miracles scattered all along the way. I will say that I would never have chosen this path for myself, but I willingly and obediently accept it as the path that God has allowed for my life, and the path that He is using to take me to a greater place. Though blinded by the immediate, I have faith that He will use all of this to further His kingdom and to draw me ever closer to Him! I can't wait to see what He has for me and my family. As I pack this year away and look forward to a new start, I have to say that it is with a bit of nostalgia that I close the lid. It has been a year of tremendous growth, and stretching of myself to lengths I never imagined possible. It has definitely been a year I will never forget! So to 2009, I say a sweet good bye but will be forever changed by all that occurred!

A few words to describe the conflicting feelings of this year in a nutshell:
Tragic and Miraculous
Terrible and Wonderful
Fearful and Faithful
Doubtful and Trusting
Sad and Happy
Alone and Surrounded
Rejected and Accepted
Failure and Success
Deceiving and Truthful
Exhausting and Exhilarating
Defeating and Victorious

Bless the Lord by Laura Story

You give and take away for my good.
For who am I to say what I need?
For You alone see
the hidden parts of me
that need to be stripped away.

And as You begin to refine,
I’m learning to let go and rely
on One who walks with me
As hard as it may be,
You’re teaching me all the while to say:

Bless the Lord, O my soul.
All that’s in me bless Your name,
Forget not Your power un- told,
not Your glory or Your fame.
For You came to heal the broken,
to redeem and make me whole.
Bless the Lord, O my soul.

Christmas in a stable

How I know and love the story of how God chose to send His son to us! I must have heard it and/or read it a million times in my life! I've seen countless plays, heard many a pastor share the story, and have just grown up with the story! But I'm seeing it this year with different eyes. There is a new applicable spin to the story for me this year...

Can you imagine poor Mary? Most of us just think of the honor and glory to have been chosen as the very one to carry the King of Kings in her womb! But go back to that night when the angel appeared to her! She was just a young girl, doing her best to do what was right. She had been betrothed to Joseph, and had developed a great friendship with him. I feel certain that the friendship had already begun to show signs of true love! And out of nowhere, on a seemingly normal night, an angel appeared to her in all of its glory, and told her what?! Among many thoughts, I'd imagine these were a few of them: What kind of an idea is that? Who could have thought of such a thing? I will most certainly lose Joseph over this-I mean how could he ever understand? This is just crazy! Not ME!!!??? WHY ME???!!! But the answer was "yes you and let me handle the rest!" (Well, not exactly but you get the point)

Can you imagine poor Joseph? Oh man, what a lot this man had to carry initially. He was a Godly man, known by many in the small town where they lived. Everyone knew of his upcoming marriage to Mary. They had chosen to remain pure until the wedding day. And then out of the blue, Mary comes to him and tells him what?! Among many thoughts he must have had initially, I'd imagine these were a few of them: An angel came to YOU?! Angels come to those in great power, not to young girls! If you are carrying a child, it is most certainly NOT mine, so who has done this to you? I can't believe you've done this to me, to us! I trusted you! And if this were true what you tell me, what would everyone think? No one would believe it?! This is just crazy! Not ME!!!??? WHY ME!!!??? The answer comes to Joseph in the form of an angel, as well. He had to apologize to Mary. I bet he felt awful for doubting her, for lacking trust in his beloved. I bet she wanted to be mean and tell him that she told him so! I would have! But she reacted with grace. They decided they were in this thing together.

I wonder if Joseph and Mary had envisioned what kind of a birth experience would be fit for such a Savior! I bet they imagined something magnificent, royal, fit for a king! As the pregnancy advances, and nears the end of its term, they were told that a census was being conducted and they were forced to leave Nazareth. I have to think that it must have come as somewhat of a relief. I can only imagine the doubters, the gossip circles, etc. Not everyone believed this crazy, unlikely story. It was this couple's way of trying to excuse their obvious lack of self control in entering into a sexual relationship prior to marriage. So, at full term, poor Mary had to get on a donkey and ride for 4 days to Bethlehem. When they arrived, it was night time, and they found an inn. There were no rooms available. By this time, Mary was having pretty severe labor pains, no doubt. Among many thoughts she must've had over those 4 days, she certainly must have thought these: You have got to be kidding me Lord! I am carrying Your son, and have done everything you've asked of me, and now this? I don't know what You are thinking, but it better be good! I need a break here Lord!

They found a man who said they could use his stable! By this time, they must have been tired and ready to give up. I'm sure they were like, "Fine, a stable it is for the birth of the King of Kings?! This story gets crazier and crazier! Lord what are you thinking?! But in that stable indeed, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords came into this world to save us all!

This was most certainly not what Mary and Joseph had planned for the beginning of their life together! They could never have seen this coming in a million years. I bet as they grew older, and looked back on that time, they had a few laughs over the whole situation. But it was anything but funny while they were going through it! This is where I enter the story. As this Christmas season approaches, I look back over the past year of my life. Wow, this is most certainly not what I had planned! This is most certainly not what I had wanted. This is most certainly not what I felt I needed! This is just crazy! Lord, what are you thinking?! NOT ME!!!??? WHY ME!!!??? Why us? And His answer is just, "Yes you and let Me handle the rest!" We took off on this long 4 day journey, and when I so desperately needed a break, there was no room in the inn. I find myself in a stable!!! Really Lord, is this where you have brought me? I know you could have taken me out of this situation. But you haven't! You have brought me here for a reason. I doubt I'll have the glorious appearing of an angel to let me know the scoop! And even though it stinks here in this stable, I rest in complete peace that this is, in fact, the exact place I'm supposed to be! So in this stable I await and trust and yes, fret a bit at times as well if I am completely honest. I look forward to the day when I can look back on my stable experience and rejoice at the vision of how Christ turned the ashes of my life into beauty-great things are born out of stables! After all, his answer is just, "Yes you and let me handle the rest!"

What a wonderful story!!!

These Days

There are days when
All seems right
When dreams take flight
When faith becomes sight
But there are days when
I want to run into the night
When try as I might
I can’t see the light
Still there are days when
Even in my plight
And in spite of my fright
It all seems so right