Thankfulness!

As we so quickly embark upon one of my most favorite days of the year, Thanksgiving, I just wanted to take a moment to reflect on the many blessings in my life. I am, first of all, chosen by the King of Kings, and Lord of Lords! How can that be? That I was predestined to spend an eternity with my Heavenly Father is so unbelievably incomprehensible! My simple mind can't wrap itself around such. Thank you Jesus for choosing little, pathetic, inept me! I can't even express what I've experienced over the past 9 months. In past years, I've felt overwhelmingly thankful during this time. However, this year, I'm truly aghast. I have the most amazing friends and family, who have fervently prayed me through this period of testing. In my darkest hour, I've not once found myself alone. God is so good to me. I get teary eyed just thinking back to all of the amazing ways He's showed Himself so vividly to me in so many amazing ways. I've been a Christian since I was very young, and for the first time, I think I have truly been able to see the grace that I've learned about all of these years. It's an amazing thing! Christ has spoken to me softly, loudly, persistently, and omnipotently. And He has given me an ear to hear, as I've never experienced. This valley has been a struggle beyond my comprehension. It's taken more of me than I thought I had. It's brought out places and parts of me that I never imagined existed. And, in the end, it has brought me closer to Christ than I've ever been. How can one say that they regret having gone through this to experience the level of intimacy with our Father that I've experienced?! I am more than overwhelmed with His provisions.

It was about this time last year that I realized that my marriage was heading in a very bad direction. I've been limping along a bit as I've struggled to process this realization. Things hadn't been hunky dory for a while, but I naively thought that it was just a drier than normal period during our marriage. I'd truly hoped that all of my suspicions were just my paranoia, and exhaustion from running the family in his absence! To all of my close friends, I'd already begun to refer to myself as "A single mom with financial support." That hurts my heart so badly as I reflect on those feelings now. For many months prior to this time, I'd practically begged and groveled for some sort of normalcy in our home. I so needed him to be a part of the family again. But more and more, I found myself doing things alone with the kids. The family of 5 dissolved, and the new family of 4 surfaced. We all began to get used to it! When he'd make an appearance, he seemed more and more like an outsider in our home. In hindsight, I feel like such a fool for not having somehow stopped this from happening, but God knows I tried. When he was at home, he was never truly with us. He'd come home on the phone, and stay on the phone most of the evening and into the night. I questioned him so many times, with the result being a long drawn out lecture on my jealousy, lack of trust, etc. I have to say that my intuition, though it seemed ill fitting at the time, was right on. That somehow, something and someone became more important than our family, is what keeps me up at night. I just don't have a box big enough to put that in. Regardless, I believe that God is truly, completely, and omnipotently in control. I believe that He holds my future in His hands. And beyond all of my feelings, thoughts, perceptions, etc., He will lead me where He wants and needs me to go. I am now living solely for the Kingdom, for the first time in my life. I have Kingdom eyes, and I've not been able to see through my worldly eyes for a while now. I guess when all else is stripped away from you, and you are left with complete reliance on Him, you gain a vision that is beyond what we have experienced thus far. He has done an extraordinary work in my heart, as far as forgiveness and tolerance is concerned. It never ceases to amaze me that I am able to carry on a friendly and casual conversation with him. Only through Christ would this even remotely be possible. I tend to hold on to hurt feelings, and grudges. But in HIm, I am able to move on and be amicable. As things continue to occur that close off places of my heart toward him, I'm more convinced than ever that this is heading in a terminal direction. And the most unbelievable thing is that I'm completely at peace with this! Thank you sweet Father for all you have done for me! I am blessed beyond all expectation!