2 Corinthians 4:8-9

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (New International Version)

8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

I can honestly say that I understand this verse now more than ever. It seems that at every turn, there is a new challenge, a new hurdle, a new obstacle, a seemingly impassible river of stuff!!! I've never felt so challenged to "stick with it", "hang in there", to trust that this is all for my good. This week has been full of disappointments, which have sent me into a tail spin of bitter emotions.

I tell my kids all of the time, "You need only to worry about YOU! You have plenty to worry about without worrying what your sister or brother are doing!" As a mother, unfortunately, that's not altogether true. Yes, we have ourselves to worry about. But we are ultimately responsible for molding and shaping these little lives to whom we've been entrusted. This is where the deepest pain of this divorce gets to me. I have given my entire situation to Christ, and I rededicate it to him daily, most often even several times throughout the day! That, however, doesn't protect this mother from feeling the pain that is inflicted because of their father's actions! Decisions made, actions altered, important events "forgotten", and more importance placed on some things which don't involve the kids than time promised to them, are a few things come to my mind immediately. It hurts that it's becoming more and more clear that his priorities are based solely on selfish actions! I have to come to terms with this, since it's been painfully obvious since having to drive myself to the hospital to see if I was in labor with Ben. It was the first Texas football season of the year, after all! It was way too early for me to be in labor. After complaining of symptoms for a couple of days, and having been reprimanded for "not trusting him as a doctor", I couldn't take it anymore. After all, my body had NO idea that the first UT game of the year was just beginning, or that it was too early for Ben to be born. In an effort to come at the situation from an angle from which I'd yet to approach it, I chose to use passive aggression. I said, "I think I'll drive myself to your office and test myself to see if I might have a leak in my water." The reaction was shocking and certainly not what I expected, as he reached for his office keys and told me right where to find the strips used to test for that. I remember driving myself to Baylor, crying the whole way there from pain of dual sources. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I felt so completely and utterly alone at that moment. My water was broken, I was terrified that I was having a baby who would no doubt have some issues due to prematurity, and I laid in l&d for a couple of hours before he was able to make it by halftime! Of course, my mom was there immediately to sit with me-thank you God for moms! Looking back now, I'm a little embarrassed to say that I should have realized that this is not how a husband should love his wife! Living in denial and in a lie for so long is most likely the source of most of my feelings of guilt, regret and remorse. This week, these same feelings have surfaced like a flash flood. This time, however, they are felt for my babies, and not for myself.

On a different note, the kids and I had a lot of fun last night, Halloween. A few years ago, we opted to skip hanging out with friends to stay in our neighborhood and trick or treat. The kids just love Halloween-the decorating, the festivities, etc. One guy in our neighborhood does it up huge and the kids always spend a couple of weeks prior to the actual day anticipating what new monsters will surface in his yard, or at his door. We stayed out about an hour and a half and they brought home enough candy to keep a dentist supported for life! Anyway, it was another milestone for us. This is the first year we went trick-or-treating as a family of 4! Each one of these events feels like such an accomplishment and a step toward healing. I have no profound ending today, just that it's Sunday-recharge day again. My batteries are very low and I can't wait to have a full charge to face the week. MMM, thinking it's donuts for breakfast since we haven't had enough sugar... Have a blessed week!