Wow, I just had something happen that was very unexpected. I was grabbing a quick muffin and coffee, and walked by a girl who was wearing the perfume I wore on our wedding day and throughout our honeymoon. Funny (sometimes not so funny) how a smell takes you back to a certain place and time, and the reality of it is almost palpable. I went back to that day in April, 12 1/2 years ago. Our wedding pictures turned out so beautiful, since the sun was shining and it appeared to be the most pleasant day ever! However, one step into those pictures and you'd realize that the appearance was only superficial. It was about 40 degrees that day, very windy, and we were scattering to find heaters and tents for the reception, which was mostly outside. I can't help but wonder how close the comparison of that deceivingly beautiful day could be to the marriage that followed. It's hard to know in times like this, what was real and what was not. I can say without one bit of doubt that even in knowing how it would end, I'd do it again! I guess this is all bringing me around to saying that after having the influx of memories and emotions, I realized that I have felt so much emotion throughout the last 8 months, beginning with absolute shock and denial, and moving into anger, bitterness, rage, hatred, terror, and a lot of guilt and regret. You might realize, if you remember any of your Psy 101, that I've left out sadness! I've felt extreme, heart wrenching sadness for the kids! I've lain awake many nights crying my heart out over them and what they are, and will be facing! I thought I'd experienced the sadness I needed to move on. But I am only now realizing that I've not yet grieved for myself. I'm just realizing that I have yet to grieve the loss of my hopes and dreams for our marriage and life together. I've been so consumed with survival, and keeping the kids okay. I guess this is the good news, since I know I have to go through this. But that doggone perfume really sparked some emotions I wasn't prepared for today! I'm a doer though, so bring it on! I know my Father will carry me out of this desert and into the promised land (hope He doesn't choose to leave me here for 40 years!!!!). It's all temporary here in this world :)! Thank you Heavenly Father for another day! Please give me only what I need for the day, and we'll face tomorrow, together, TOMORROW!!!!