This is my day, just the way it is-MESSY!

I think I have been fairly strong throughout this whole ordeal. I certainly take no credit for that, as only Christ could have given me the strength to go through the days I've faced! I have to admit that I've had this ongoing banter with Him over the last several months! I won't go into it in depth, but it involves a lot of my telling Him, the omnipotent, omniscient, King of Kings, etc., that I think He has made a huge mistake. Certainly this was not supposed to be my lot! Somewhere along the delivery route, it HAD to get mixed up! I'm not equipped to do this, nor do I think I can handle this another moment. Since He has not taken me out of this valley yet, even after I so kindly let Him know about this most obvious mistake, I am beginning to truly believe it IS my lot, and that I have to plow on, no matter how muddy it is, no matter how ill equipped I am, no matter what!!! This leads me to let you know that you get to hear a lot of my together, more sane days. So, if you are one of my closer friends, who happens to be digging deeper by reading my blog, I have to share the not so pretty days as well. This has to be one of my messier days. This is like my housekeeper hasn't been to the house in weeks, and you call to tell me you're outside my door kind of messy!!! Things have been getting a little more stressful than usual. I'm having problems on top of issues, on top of other junk. All of that mixed with sleep deprivation as a result of the former mentioned, made for it all "hitting the fan" this morning! I've not been angry at God throughout this whole situation. I don't know why, since I think it would be fairly common, though unwarranted. I broke this morning, and held my fists in the air, shaking them violently at God, yelling at the top of my lungs at Him for allowing me to go through this when at anytime, He could reach down and fix it all! I felt such anger and desperation, but ultimately there He was as I was in the midst of yelling at Him. I was literally telling Him that He needed to do SOMETHING to help me get through this day! I was threatening Him and crying out at the same time! I do not like being angry at my Savior and best friend! But He heard my cries through my fit of rage and sent a friend to take time out for me! I so don't deserve such a sweet Savior! She took a couple of hours out of her day to spend with me and I'm truly blessed by the vision of Jesus in her! She had no idea that I was in the middle of the worst break down I've yet had. At church on Sunday, Ann Graham Lotz was speaking, and asked us if we'd ever seen Jesus in someone! I see Jesus in my precious friend! I also got several unexpected encouraging emails from several friends, which further lifted my spirits. You see, He is always there, even when we lose sight of HIM! I can just see Him hurting for me while I'm yelling at Him, knowing how badly I'm hurting. On days like these, when I'm able to so clearly see His mighty hand working directly for me, I find myself in complete awe of Him, and feel so unworthy of such a Savior! I'm so thankful that I have Him though, although I am completely unworthy! Just fyi, I am much better now. I'm not ranting and raving and screaming at God! I do have to admit that my heart is still very heavy as George and I are moving into the final stretches of this road of divorce. In praying this week, please pray that as he and I meet to discuss the splitting of our lives and stuff, etc., Christ would plop Himself right down in the middle of our meetings and mediate as only He can. I don't know what my future looks like right now, but I know that ALL I want right now is for Christ to be at the center of it, because only He knows what I need, and what will further His good! I want each and every decision made to go through Him for approval. Also please pray that we would take no steps backward in how we are treating one another. We have reached a decent place after having struggled for awhile. I look back at the beginning of this, and see the amazing work God has done in my heart. I don't like to use the word "forgiveness" yet, because I don't think I'm mentally ready for that yet. I still hurt so much. But I have to say that even though I am not mentally ready, God is working on my heart in ways I couldn't have imagined even a couple of months ago. It's been a struggle as my mind and my heart have played tug-o-war over this. I'm not even remotely there, but can see hope for real forgiveness in the future. God is slowly but surely teaching me that your heart doesn't have to be completely healed to start down the path of forgiveness! Looking at this from Heaven's perspective, though very limited by my human nature, I can see how Christ has orchestrated the most beautiful picture of Himself through the mess of my life. He is in the business of turning nasty, ugly, vile stuff into something of beauty. As He continues to do this with what has become my lot, the mess that is my life, I am so excited to see the final picture someday. I know that it will be the most amazing, beautiful picture I have ever seen. I will be forever changed by this experience in the way of living my life for the Kingdom! Sorry about the mess today, but it happens! You have to take the good with the bad. Hugs to all of you! I thank God for each of you!

"I have a Hope!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSbJtqYow3Q