As I awoke this morning, I very hesitantly looked at the clock, wincing in fear that I'd see one of those dreaded numbers I've been seeing lately as stress and sleeping don't cohabitate well in me. As bad as it may sound, I was quite pleased to see a 5 something instead of a 2 or 3! I realized that I did, in fact, make it through one of the toughest days I've had emotionally since the first dark days! It seemed at every turn there was a new stressor, demand placed on me, emotion I couldn't deal with well, etc. It's on these day that satan really seems to use his evil ways to bring me down. A friend has been literally praying the armor of God over me for the past month or so:
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
I'm afraid that all of this armor got a bit heavy and in my weakness, I took a few pieces off to take a breather! Huge mistake. I, of course, didn't do this consciously. However, as I started my day yesterday, I gave into the feeling of defeat. It happens to all of us as life seems to shove us into a tiny space and slam the door on what we've come to know. I chose to get up and start my day without the usual prayer time I need to start my day with! Having said that, isn't it a beautiful thing for us as Christians to know that each new day brings a new hope and a chance to start anew with no baggage from our yesterdays! Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is yet to come, so live today and only today! God is good. He is mighty. He is powerful. He is bigger than each and every problem we face. He is omnipotent and omniscient. He loves us so much we can't comprehend it. He wants only what is good for us. He ultimately wants us to let go and lay it all at his feet. He wants us to come to Him as we are, not how everyone else sees us. He wants us to come to Him dirty and messy and unkempt. He wants us to feel broken to the point that we have nothing left of ourselves. It's only then that He is fully able to do the work in us that He wants to do. I thought I'd let it all go and laid it all before the throne. But yesterday was a big day for me. I'm big on holding it together. I'd guess that even you who are very close to me have only seen or heard me crying over the past 8 months a couple of times. I hate losing control more than anything. I like control a lot. I've always struggled with it. I thought I'd been so completely broken throughout this process, that I'd given all control to Christ. I realized that I was holding on to that last little bit yesterday as the dam broke, and I was literally flat on my face at the feet of Jesus. In my angry, ugly, honest fit, he reached down, picked me up, and held me in His arms against His mighty chest. He just held me and let me know that He's bigger than ALL of this mess. His shoulders are strong enough to take my fit of rage. He let me know that in my weakness, He is strong. And He is all I need, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!!!!!
Sheila Walsh "Let Go"
These hands are holding on for life
Desperately trying not to fall
Clinging to broken dreams and shattered promises
No safety net at all
This heart has had all it can take
Who can I run to for help
My kingdom's crumbling into dust
So why am I still holding on
Let go and fall into the arms of love
Let go and put your trust in me
And I will carry you
And lift you high above the highest mountain
To a place of peace where healing flows
If only you let go
You gave yourself completely, Lord
My sin and shame nailed to the cross
Now I can live my life in freedom and joy
In freedom and in joy
So I let go and fall into the arms of love
Let go and trust you from now on
And you will carry me
And lift me up high above this mountain
To a place of peace where healing flows
So I let go, let go, let go
And love will carry you
And lift you high above the highest mountain
To a place of peace where healing flows
Just let go
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