2009

As I reflect on the past year, I am overwhelmed with the many emotions that arise. The saying, "So much can happen in a year" certainly has new meaning. This time last year, I was cruising through life as if it would last forever. I was taking life as it were for granted. One cold January day, that all changed. Life as I knew it, as I planned to always know it, was over. At first, I couldn't see. I was blinded by fear, grief, and anxiety. I couldn't put one foot in front of the other. I needed the world to stop moving for awhile so that I could gather myself and regroup. I needed to process what was happening and with the world still moving at such a crazy pace, I couldn't do it! I shut down for a couple of weeks and didn't tell anyone what was happening. I remember trying to get up the courage to even share the news with my family and couldn't make myself say the words. And at the same time, I'd never needed them to more than I needed them at that moment. Feelings of failure, regret, sorrow, disappointment, etc. consumed me. My mom was the first, of course, to realize something was terribly wrong. What in the world would we do without our mothers?! I tried to hide it from the world, but she knew something wasn't right. Her reaction was emotional, but perfect. After the words were spoken, it got a little easier. I shared only with family and a couple of close friends at first. I started praying for a few people outside of my immediate family and closer friends, who could support me in prayer and have a different perspective than those closest to me. Those prayers ended up being some of the most important prayers I have ever prayed, as those He chose for me to share with, wouldn't have been those I'd have chosen. Having been divinely chosen, they have become some of my closest friends and supporters. Out of the ashes of my desperation, I have come to know the beauty of Christian friends in a way I'd never experienced. My friends and family have grieved every heartache along with me. They have held me when I've needed to be held. They have taken time out of their very busy schedules and have made me feel as if I were the only thing they had to do! They have listened with open minds and hearts. They have watched me cry and complain. They have known the anger, the visceral anger! There have been times that I've needed to share something with them that I knew would cause them to hurt for me, and they responded with such compassion and love. They've opened their houses to me, taken me to lunch, and loved me through the most difficult year of my life. At first glance, it would be easy to see only the negatives. But upon closer examination, there are so many amazing morsels of miracles scattered all along the way. I will say that I would never have chosen this path for myself, but I willingly and obediently accept it as the path that God has allowed for my life, and the path that He is using to take me to a greater place. Though blinded by the immediate, I have faith that He will use all of this to further His kingdom and to draw me ever closer to Him! I can't wait to see what He has for me and my family. As I pack this year away and look forward to a new start, I have to say that it is with a bit of nostalgia that I close the lid. It has been a year of tremendous growth, and stretching of myself to lengths I never imagined possible. It has definitely been a year I will never forget! So to 2009, I say a sweet good bye but will be forever changed by all that occurred!

A few words to describe the conflicting feelings of this year in a nutshell:
Tragic and Miraculous
Terrible and Wonderful
Fearful and Faithful
Doubtful and Trusting
Sad and Happy
Alone and Surrounded
Rejected and Accepted
Failure and Success
Deceiving and Truthful
Exhausting and Exhilarating
Defeating and Victorious

Bless the Lord by Laura Story

You give and take away for my good.
For who am I to say what I need?
For You alone see
the hidden parts of me
that need to be stripped away.

And as You begin to refine,
I’m learning to let go and rely
on One who walks with me
As hard as it may be,
You’re teaching me all the while to say:

Bless the Lord, O my soul.
All that’s in me bless Your name,
Forget not Your power un- told,
not Your glory or Your fame.
For You came to heal the broken,
to redeem and make me whole.
Bless the Lord, O my soul.

Christmas in a stable

How I know and love the story of how God chose to send His son to us! I must have heard it and/or read it a million times in my life! I've seen countless plays, heard many a pastor share the story, and have just grown up with the story! But I'm seeing it this year with different eyes. There is a new applicable spin to the story for me this year...

Can you imagine poor Mary? Most of us just think of the honor and glory to have been chosen as the very one to carry the King of Kings in her womb! But go back to that night when the angel appeared to her! She was just a young girl, doing her best to do what was right. She had been betrothed to Joseph, and had developed a great friendship with him. I feel certain that the friendship had already begun to show signs of true love! And out of nowhere, on a seemingly normal night, an angel appeared to her in all of its glory, and told her what?! Among many thoughts, I'd imagine these were a few of them: What kind of an idea is that? Who could have thought of such a thing? I will most certainly lose Joseph over this-I mean how could he ever understand? This is just crazy! Not ME!!!??? WHY ME???!!! But the answer was "yes you and let me handle the rest!" (Well, not exactly but you get the point)

Can you imagine poor Joseph? Oh man, what a lot this man had to carry initially. He was a Godly man, known by many in the small town where they lived. Everyone knew of his upcoming marriage to Mary. They had chosen to remain pure until the wedding day. And then out of the blue, Mary comes to him and tells him what?! Among many thoughts he must have had initially, I'd imagine these were a few of them: An angel came to YOU?! Angels come to those in great power, not to young girls! If you are carrying a child, it is most certainly NOT mine, so who has done this to you? I can't believe you've done this to me, to us! I trusted you! And if this were true what you tell me, what would everyone think? No one would believe it?! This is just crazy! Not ME!!!??? WHY ME!!!??? The answer comes to Joseph in the form of an angel, as well. He had to apologize to Mary. I bet he felt awful for doubting her, for lacking trust in his beloved. I bet she wanted to be mean and tell him that she told him so! I would have! But she reacted with grace. They decided they were in this thing together.

I wonder if Joseph and Mary had envisioned what kind of a birth experience would be fit for such a Savior! I bet they imagined something magnificent, royal, fit for a king! As the pregnancy advances, and nears the end of its term, they were told that a census was being conducted and they were forced to leave Nazareth. I have to think that it must have come as somewhat of a relief. I can only imagine the doubters, the gossip circles, etc. Not everyone believed this crazy, unlikely story. It was this couple's way of trying to excuse their obvious lack of self control in entering into a sexual relationship prior to marriage. So, at full term, poor Mary had to get on a donkey and ride for 4 days to Bethlehem. When they arrived, it was night time, and they found an inn. There were no rooms available. By this time, Mary was having pretty severe labor pains, no doubt. Among many thoughts she must've had over those 4 days, she certainly must have thought these: You have got to be kidding me Lord! I am carrying Your son, and have done everything you've asked of me, and now this? I don't know what You are thinking, but it better be good! I need a break here Lord!

They found a man who said they could use his stable! By this time, they must have been tired and ready to give up. I'm sure they were like, "Fine, a stable it is for the birth of the King of Kings?! This story gets crazier and crazier! Lord what are you thinking?! But in that stable indeed, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords came into this world to save us all!

This was most certainly not what Mary and Joseph had planned for the beginning of their life together! They could never have seen this coming in a million years. I bet as they grew older, and looked back on that time, they had a few laughs over the whole situation. But it was anything but funny while they were going through it! This is where I enter the story. As this Christmas season approaches, I look back over the past year of my life. Wow, this is most certainly not what I had planned! This is most certainly not what I had wanted. This is most certainly not what I felt I needed! This is just crazy! Lord, what are you thinking?! NOT ME!!!??? WHY ME!!!??? Why us? And His answer is just, "Yes you and let Me handle the rest!" We took off on this long 4 day journey, and when I so desperately needed a break, there was no room in the inn. I find myself in a stable!!! Really Lord, is this where you have brought me? I know you could have taken me out of this situation. But you haven't! You have brought me here for a reason. I doubt I'll have the glorious appearing of an angel to let me know the scoop! And even though it stinks here in this stable, I rest in complete peace that this is, in fact, the exact place I'm supposed to be! So in this stable I await and trust and yes, fret a bit at times as well if I am completely honest. I look forward to the day when I can look back on my stable experience and rejoice at the vision of how Christ turned the ashes of my life into beauty-great things are born out of stables! After all, his answer is just, "Yes you and let me handle the rest!"

What a wonderful story!!!

These Days

There are days when
All seems right
When dreams take flight
When faith becomes sight
But there are days when
I want to run into the night
When try as I might
I can’t see the light
Still there are days when
Even in my plight
And in spite of my fright
It all seems so right

Pruning

John 15

The Vine and the Branches

1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

During a normal conversation the other day with my sister, out of the blue she asked me how I'm doing emotionally with the approaching holidays. I told her that over the past month I've had some time of true reflection-sadness, fear, concern for the kids, and absolute depression. However, as I've worked through those times, I'm convinced that we are a much happier and healthier family this year, than in many years past. In fact, the sad thing is that the other day my mom made the same observation. So, as sad as it makes me in one way, and after having made it through the first major holiday as a fam of 4, I have to say that I'm looking more forward to it this year than in many past. The sad part, of course, is that it isn't the way it was planned. This is is in no way the way I saw my life going. I got married to the man I chose to love forever. When I made that promise to him, to God and to all who attended the wedding, I meant forever! I had 3 precious children based on the knowledge and faith that we would be raising them in a healthy and happy forever family. But...that isn't how it ended. In fact, that's one of the most frustrating and exciting things! I can't see how this all ends. I can't see all of the good God has planned for me and my children. I know it, I believe it, but I can't see it. For now, I rest in His promises, and stay focused on HIm.

Today, I'm getting all of the Christmas decorations out of the attic. I can't even imagine how I'm going to put up the tree-that was his job! I'm sure I can do it, but would prefer not to have to do it alone. I'm having to move the nails on the fireplace, which have been permanently there for the past 11 years, to accommodate 4 stockings instead of 5. As I've been shopping the last couple of weeks, I've passed over several things I'd have normally been ecstatic about scoring for George. All of this is different this year. But I've found such peace in realizing that just as we have to prune dead branches off of trees to maintain the health of the whole, and just as the scriptures above state that our Heavenly Father prunes us to maintain our health and production of fruit, our family has been pruned as well. I believe that the branch which has been cut off, was making the rest of our family tree very unhealthy. Read the following on pruning trees and compare:

Cut Tree Branches Carefully

By Vrinda Kumble, India

Most farmers plant at least a few trees for fruit, fuelwood, or timber, for fodder or green manure, or just for shade and beauty. After the first three or four years, when these trees are established, they grow and produce even if they are neglected. But if you take a little extra care, the trees will live longer and produce more for you, your children, and perhaps even your grandchildren.

You must take special care when you cut tree branches. You will need to do this from time to time. You may cut off large branches if a tree shades your crops too much or if you need logs for building or other uses. You may cut small branches and twigs if you need fuel or leaves for fodder or green manure. Or you may prune or thin some kinds of fruit trees to force new growth for a better crop.

Whatever the reason, take care to cut the branches in the right way, at the right time. Here are a few simple steps to follow to keep your trees healthy and strong.

What to cut

Cut off dead, diseased, or broken branches immediately. If you don't, the branches may die back even more. Cut back to the first healthy node. Nodes are the points where new branches grow from older ones. A slightly damaged branch may heal itself, but if it is severely damaged, the tree wastes energy trying to heal it. Also, insects and diseases may attack the damaged weak spots. Burn these branches right away.

If you are cutting for other reasons, observe the tree carefully through a whole cycle of seasons. This will tell you what branches you can safely cut, and when you should cut them.

If you have planted the tree for its fruit or pods, note where they grow. Are they on the tips of last season's mature wood? Or on the young shoots of this season? Find out, so that you don't cut off the bearing wood.

Remember:

Cut off all dead and damaged branches immediately.
Prune fruit trees in the right season.
Keep the basic shape of the tree when you cut its branches. Use sharp, clean tools.
Cut just above a node.
Cut clear through the branch; don't pull, twist, or tear it off.
Seal the cut surface to protect from insects and diseases.
Give your trees this little bit of extra care and they will reward you with fruit, wood, and leaves for many years.

Just some rambling thoughts this early sleepless morning! I find such comfort and clarity in writing all of this down, and seeing it in print rather than only in my mumble jumbled head. Have a blessed day whenever and wherever this finds you!

Thankfulness!

As we so quickly embark upon one of my most favorite days of the year, Thanksgiving, I just wanted to take a moment to reflect on the many blessings in my life. I am, first of all, chosen by the King of Kings, and Lord of Lords! How can that be? That I was predestined to spend an eternity with my Heavenly Father is so unbelievably incomprehensible! My simple mind can't wrap itself around such. Thank you Jesus for choosing little, pathetic, inept me! I can't even express what I've experienced over the past 9 months. In past years, I've felt overwhelmingly thankful during this time. However, this year, I'm truly aghast. I have the most amazing friends and family, who have fervently prayed me through this period of testing. In my darkest hour, I've not once found myself alone. God is so good to me. I get teary eyed just thinking back to all of the amazing ways He's showed Himself so vividly to me in so many amazing ways. I've been a Christian since I was very young, and for the first time, I think I have truly been able to see the grace that I've learned about all of these years. It's an amazing thing! Christ has spoken to me softly, loudly, persistently, and omnipotently. And He has given me an ear to hear, as I've never experienced. This valley has been a struggle beyond my comprehension. It's taken more of me than I thought I had. It's brought out places and parts of me that I never imagined existed. And, in the end, it has brought me closer to Christ than I've ever been. How can one say that they regret having gone through this to experience the level of intimacy with our Father that I've experienced?! I am more than overwhelmed with His provisions.

It was about this time last year that I realized that my marriage was heading in a very bad direction. I've been limping along a bit as I've struggled to process this realization. Things hadn't been hunky dory for a while, but I naively thought that it was just a drier than normal period during our marriage. I'd truly hoped that all of my suspicions were just my paranoia, and exhaustion from running the family in his absence! To all of my close friends, I'd already begun to refer to myself as "A single mom with financial support." That hurts my heart so badly as I reflect on those feelings now. For many months prior to this time, I'd practically begged and groveled for some sort of normalcy in our home. I so needed him to be a part of the family again. But more and more, I found myself doing things alone with the kids. The family of 5 dissolved, and the new family of 4 surfaced. We all began to get used to it! When he'd make an appearance, he seemed more and more like an outsider in our home. In hindsight, I feel like such a fool for not having somehow stopped this from happening, but God knows I tried. When he was at home, he was never truly with us. He'd come home on the phone, and stay on the phone most of the evening and into the night. I questioned him so many times, with the result being a long drawn out lecture on my jealousy, lack of trust, etc. I have to say that my intuition, though it seemed ill fitting at the time, was right on. That somehow, something and someone became more important than our family, is what keeps me up at night. I just don't have a box big enough to put that in. Regardless, I believe that God is truly, completely, and omnipotently in control. I believe that He holds my future in His hands. And beyond all of my feelings, thoughts, perceptions, etc., He will lead me where He wants and needs me to go. I am now living solely for the Kingdom, for the first time in my life. I have Kingdom eyes, and I've not been able to see through my worldly eyes for a while now. I guess when all else is stripped away from you, and you are left with complete reliance on Him, you gain a vision that is beyond what we have experienced thus far. He has done an extraordinary work in my heart, as far as forgiveness and tolerance is concerned. It never ceases to amaze me that I am able to carry on a friendly and casual conversation with him. Only through Christ would this even remotely be possible. I tend to hold on to hurt feelings, and grudges. But in HIm, I am able to move on and be amicable. As things continue to occur that close off places of my heart toward him, I'm more convinced than ever that this is heading in a terminal direction. And the most unbelievable thing is that I'm completely at peace with this! Thank you sweet Father for all you have done for me! I am blessed beyond all expectation!

In the story of Elijah in 1 Kings, the nation of Israel had turned to idolatry in worshipping Baal, "god of fertility and lord of the rain cloud." God sent Elijah on a journey to oppose Baal worship and the people who practiced it. God revealed Himself to Elijah in mighty ways. He was first miraculously sustained through ravens-an unlikely source of sustenance to say the least. Then God commanded a poor widow to feed him. She had only a handful of flour and a little oil. Yet God promised that this small amount would last until the drought was over. The son of the woman then became ill and died. Elijah took the son and asked God to bring him back to life. Verse 32 says, "The Lord heard Elijah's cry, and the boy's life returned to him, and he lived." The next mighty act was performed when God sent Elijah to confront Ahab on Mt. Carmel. 1 Kings 1: 21 "Elijah went before the people and said, "How long will you waiver between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow Him; but if Baal is God, follow him." He challenged them to offer up a sacrifice to Baal, to come to them supernaturally and light the sacrifice. They called on Baal all morning with no answer. So Elijah called all of the people together and built the altar for his sacrifice. He had them pour jars of water over the offering and wood to show he wasn't pulling any tricks. Verse 36 says, "At the time of sacrifice, the prophet Elijah stepped forward and prayed: O Lord, God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, let it be known today that you are God in Israel and that I am your servant and have done all these things at your command. 37 Answer me, O Lord, answer me, so these people will know that you, O Lord, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again." The Lord proceeded to send His fire to burn the saturated sacrifice, wood, stones and the soil. 39 :When all the people saw this, they fell prostrate and cried, "The Lord-he is God! The Lord-he is God!"

Over the next series of events, Elijah realized that even with all of the miracles that had just been performed, people were still worshipping Baal. He grew so desperately weary, that he resorted to hiding in a cave. When the word of the Lord came to him asking him why he was in the cave, 1 Kings 19:10 "He replied, 'I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too." 11 "The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.'" The Lord sent a mighty , forceful wind but He was not found in the wind. He then sent an earthquake, and Elijah, having just seen all of the mighty miracles performed, fully expected the Lord to be found in the earthquake. He wasn't there either. After the earthquake, He sent a fire in which He was not found. Instead of revealing HImself to Elijah in any of the former mentioned mighty ways, He instead chose to show Himself through a "gentle whisper." Elijah had just been through such a mountaintop experience, that he failed to remember that God can also come in a gentle whisper.

I think that we Christians often do the same thing. We expect God to show up in shockingly big ways, and in waiting for the show, we fail to hear His sweet whispers. It would be much easier if God would just plop Himself down in our lives and shout His power so loudly we couldn't miss it! He has to get so frustrated with us as He is constantly speaking to us about things that are on our hearts, and yet we continue to ask Him to give us His words! It's so hard to filter everything else out, but when you're able to focus on Him, and listen ever so closely, He will meet you there! At times He sends a sweet friend who has been listening to Him, and allows that friend to say exactly what He needed you to hear. Other times, He might use a pastor, television, radio, internet, whatever source He thinks will reach you. And still at other times, He speaks directly to our hearts! As I've been in greater need of being able to discern His voice over ALL else over the last several months, I've come to pray for Him to make it crystal clear for me. I confess to Him that I might need several different reminders. I admit that I'm pretty pathetic and ask that He continue to show me His ways until I get it! Today is one of those days, as I can already tell that my mind is on a million things I need to get done in a matter of time that is insufficient. It's on these days that I truly risk not hearing that sweet, gentle voice. "Heavenly Father, please let me not miss one thing you have to say to me today! You know that my mind is on so many things, so please help me to hear that small, gentle voice. I don't need shock and awe, don't need You to come in an earthquake, wind or fire (please don't actually). But I do need for You to remove everything else that might be in the way of my hearing You! I so long to hear You Father!" Listen closely...

Never Alone

You Are Never Alone

You are all alone
Walking on your own
With no real home to run to
You cry out for love
And understanding
and the Father says...
"Come to Me, child,
For I love you
I cry for you
And I wish it didn't have to be this way
Know that you're not alone any longer
And your faith is growing stronger
I KNOW how hard this is for you
For I've been there too
When I died on the cross
I died for you
I know you may find this hard to believe
And harder still to understand
But dear child, just trust Me
And hold onto My hand
For I'll not lead you astray
And I'll never go away
All I want to do
Is hold your hand and walk with you
Till you're past the depths of this valley
And walking up the mountainside
Even then, I'll still walk with you
My heart full of pride
At My wonderful child
With such a beautiful heart
Didn't I tell you
That we'd never be apart?
You are more precious to Me
Than you will ever know
And I want you to remember
Wherever you may go
That I love you
When no one else does
Because you are
My precious and beautiful child
No matter how your path
May seem to have run wild
Don't forget that someday
You'll kneel before My throne
And experience My love
In a way you've never known
So, dear child, remember ALWAYS
That you are never alone."

copyright 1998 C.A.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (New International Version)

8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

I can honestly say that I understand this verse now more than ever. It seems that at every turn, there is a new challenge, a new hurdle, a new obstacle, a seemingly impassible river of stuff!!! I've never felt so challenged to "stick with it", "hang in there", to trust that this is all for my good. This week has been full of disappointments, which have sent me into a tail spin of bitter emotions.

I tell my kids all of the time, "You need only to worry about YOU! You have plenty to worry about without worrying what your sister or brother are doing!" As a mother, unfortunately, that's not altogether true. Yes, we have ourselves to worry about. But we are ultimately responsible for molding and shaping these little lives to whom we've been entrusted. This is where the deepest pain of this divorce gets to me. I have given my entire situation to Christ, and I rededicate it to him daily, most often even several times throughout the day! That, however, doesn't protect this mother from feeling the pain that is inflicted because of their father's actions! Decisions made, actions altered, important events "forgotten", and more importance placed on some things which don't involve the kids than time promised to them, are a few things come to my mind immediately. It hurts that it's becoming more and more clear that his priorities are based solely on selfish actions! I have to come to terms with this, since it's been painfully obvious since having to drive myself to the hospital to see if I was in labor with Ben. It was the first Texas football season of the year, after all! It was way too early for me to be in labor. After complaining of symptoms for a couple of days, and having been reprimanded for "not trusting him as a doctor", I couldn't take it anymore. After all, my body had NO idea that the first UT game of the year was just beginning, or that it was too early for Ben to be born. In an effort to come at the situation from an angle from which I'd yet to approach it, I chose to use passive aggression. I said, "I think I'll drive myself to your office and test myself to see if I might have a leak in my water." The reaction was shocking and certainly not what I expected, as he reached for his office keys and told me right where to find the strips used to test for that. I remember driving myself to Baylor, crying the whole way there from pain of dual sources. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I felt so completely and utterly alone at that moment. My water was broken, I was terrified that I was having a baby who would no doubt have some issues due to prematurity, and I laid in l&d for a couple of hours before he was able to make it by halftime! Of course, my mom was there immediately to sit with me-thank you God for moms! Looking back now, I'm a little embarrassed to say that I should have realized that this is not how a husband should love his wife! Living in denial and in a lie for so long is most likely the source of most of my feelings of guilt, regret and remorse. This week, these same feelings have surfaced like a flash flood. This time, however, they are felt for my babies, and not for myself.

On a different note, the kids and I had a lot of fun last night, Halloween. A few years ago, we opted to skip hanging out with friends to stay in our neighborhood and trick or treat. The kids just love Halloween-the decorating, the festivities, etc. One guy in our neighborhood does it up huge and the kids always spend a couple of weeks prior to the actual day anticipating what new monsters will surface in his yard, or at his door. We stayed out about an hour and a half and they brought home enough candy to keep a dentist supported for life! Anyway, it was another milestone for us. This is the first year we went trick-or-treating as a family of 4! Each one of these events feels like such an accomplishment and a step toward healing. I have no profound ending today, just that it's Sunday-recharge day again. My batteries are very low and I can't wait to have a full charge to face the week. MMM, thinking it's donuts for breakfast since we haven't had enough sugar... Have a blessed week!

Monday, Monday...

I have to reflect on a tough weekend. Friday evening was great. I took the kids to Six Flags Fright Fest and we had so much fun. Well, 3 of us had fun and Addison tolerated it begrudgingly. My sweet little Addison, she is my mother's twin in personality, and so far from mine! Adventure is something she sees from her safe place and wonders why in the world anyone would want to leave the comfort of what they have, to seek anything else. That is also what makes her my more palatable child-easy going, peace maker, etc. Let me just say that she will be staying with Nana the next time we go!!! Ben has finally reached the height requirement for most rides, and loved every adrenaline rush he got from them. Caroline was his little chaperon and it did my heart good to see her treating him kindly for a little while-those 2 are so much alike that they butt heads more often than not! We also did a haunted house for the first time and don't think they'll be asking to go to one for a long time. Anyway, that was our Friday and I thought all was good for the weekend.

Saturday morning around 3, I awoke to the barking, unmistakable cough of croup. Ben breathed in too much cold air and suffered the effects. We started breathing treatments and he rallied really quickly turning the corner. He was well enough to have a friend over by that night and had a blast. We woke up yesterday and went to church. Dropped Ben and his friend off at his friend's house to play a while. The girls and I ate lunch at Campisi's-mmm. I even got to sneak in a nap-rare occasion. And by about 4:30, Caroline said she wasn't feeling well-typical occurrence when she has put off doing her homework until Sunday night. I told her to lay down (unfortunately in my bed) and went to run a couple of errands. I got a frantic call from Addison saying that Caroline had thrown up all over my bed!!! Joy of joys! Granted my 7 year old can make it to the toilet to throw up every time. However, I don't think Caroline has ever-not once-been "able" to make it anywhere but all over the place she lies!? I think this is par for her dramatic personality. I think it all has to be about the dramatic presentation-and she definitely accomplishes that. One thing I'm quite thankful for is that my laptop was on the bed and she managed to spare it! I mention all of this to say that being a single mom is difficult on the best of days. But when you add illness to the mix, it's just simply defeating and exhausting! There's no tag team-no one to call out to to grab more towels or grab the nebulizer while you sit with your child who is struggling to breathe. It's all you and it's all very wrong and not the way this was meant to work! So instead of fully recharging over the weekend, I kind of feel like I'm starting my week with a limp!

On one more note, a sweet friend sent this verse to me last night and I just love it. When friends ask me how I've kept my mouth shut for all of these months, and have tried my best to treat George with what respect I can muster, I'm going to start referring them to this verse:

Isaiah 50:4-9 (New International Version)

4 The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue,
to know the word that sustains the weary.
He wakens me morning by morning,
wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.

5 The Sovereign LORD has opened my ears,
and I have not been rebellious;
I have not drawn back.

6 I offered my back to those who beat me,
my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard;
I did not hide my face
from mocking and spitting.

7 Because the Sovereign LORD helps me,
I will not be disgraced.
Therefore have I set my face like flint,
and I know I will not be put to shame.

8 He who vindicates me is near.
Who then will bring charges against me?
Let us face each other!
Who is my accuser?
Let him confront me!

9 It is the Sovereign LORD who helps me.
Who is he that will condemn me?
They will all wear out like a garment;
the moths will eat them up.

Have a great day today!!!!

Favorite day

Sunday's have become my day to recharge. As of the past few weeks, it seems my battery is dying more quickly than it has been. About midweek, I start feeling the urge to drop out of this race, turn away, and never look back. A few years ago, the movie Surf's Up came out. It was about a penguin from a small fishing town who dreams of becoming a surfing champion like his idol, the late Big Z. When Cody met Big Z as a young penguin, the surfing legend left an impression that Cody would never forget. The movie follows Cody as he makes the journey to Pen Gu Island and the Big Z Memorial Surf Off, where he hopes to win the competition and follow in Big Z's wake.

Cody winds up having to be saved by the beautiful lifeguard, Lani, after an embarrassing surf off with the surfing king. Feeling sorry for the inexperienced kid, Lani takes him to see her uncle Geek. As Geek tries to help Cody get back to surfing, Cody realizes that Geek is Big Z, and that he has been hiding away all of these years to avoid the pain of losing a competition.

The point of all of that is to say that I can so see how Big Z just wants to disappear and not face the humiliation and difficulty of his major loss. Having said that, of course there are 3 little obstacles in the way of this somewhat appealing thought! GRRRR! I, however, have made it to another Sunday-my recharge day! I've come to rely heavily on these days! There's definitely something about coming together as a church family and corporate worship. It's God's design.

My prayers this week revolve around sustainment, focus on Him and not my current trials, SLEEP, REST, SLEEP, a full 24 hours that the kids will be with George this weekend and time that I really need since I've had them with little to no breaks lately, and clarity and discernment involving my future career choice. I'm really struggling in this area. I'm afraid that I'm not feeling the love for education, and am remembering the reason I decided not to go that route in the first place! I have huge decisions to make and it's weighing heavily on my heart and mind. Have a wonderfully blessed week!

Scripture for the day

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (New International Version)

The God of All Comfort

³Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. ⁵For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

Unredeemed by Selah

The cruelest world

The coldest heart

The deepest wound

The endless dark

The lonely ache

The burning tears

The bitter nights

The wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart

But we know these are

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing

It may be unfulfilled

It may be unrestored

But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord

Just watch and see

It will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame

And all the love that never came

For every vow that someone broke

And every lie that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall

But the cross says these are all

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing

It may be unfulfilled

It may be unrestored

But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord

Just watch and see

It will not be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing

It may be unfulfilled

It may be unrestored

But you never know the miracle the Father has in store

Just watch and see

It will not be

Just watch and see

It will not be unredeemed

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfGbcjCVDOs

A new week

I'm so glad to be tucking last week away, and looking forward to a great week, albeit quite busy. I am most excited to be seeing my boys today, "Dayton and Dawson, Crazy Carol's on her way!" I haven't been able to see them as much lately, due to the flu scare and Dawson's continued fragile health. Dawson's oxygen needs aren't as demanding and frightening anymore, so it isn't nearly as nerve rattling as it was at first to keep them. Anyway, I get to be with those little rays of sunshine today and tomorrow to start my week. The rest of the week involves a couple of days with tennis, which is always great therapy. I won tickets to go see Third Day on Thursday night and am very excited about that! I was telling the kids that I have yet another concert this week, so they'd be with George on a weeknight. Caroline said, "Mom, you're scaring me a little! Are you becoming a wild concert girl now?" Hmmm, U2, Darlene Zschech and Hillsong, and Third Day! Watch out world, I'm going a little crazy here-LOL! I assured her that this month just happened to be a little concert filled, but I will be going back to my old, boring self as of Friday of this week!

On another note, per a friend's recommendation, I started reading "The Red Sea Rules" over the weekend. Wow, what a powerful little book. It is brilliantly written to compare life's struggles with the Israelites' plights. There are 10 God-given strategies for difficult times:

1.) Realize that God means for you to be where you are.

2.) Be more concerned for God's glory than for your relief.

3.) Acknowledge your enemy, but keep your eyes on the Lord.

4.) Pray!

5.) Stay calm and confident, and give God time to work.

6.) When unsure, just take the next logical step by faith.

7.) Envision God's enveloping presence.

8.) Trust God to deliver in His own unique way.

9.) View your current crisis as a faith builder for the future.

10.)Don't forget to praise Him.

That's the gist of the book, but crammed into each of these rules, are such sound Biblical applications. I'm praying for a more settled week this week. To God be the glory!!!

Oh thank you Father, it's Sunday

Yea!!!! I made it through another week, and was it ever a hard one. I haven't struggled the way I struggled last week since the first days of this journey. I'm glad to put the week behind me, and add another notch on my belt for having gone through it. On the positive side, I clung to my Savior more closely this week than I have in a few weeks. And today is Sunday. I get to go to God's house today, and worship Him with my family of believers. What an awesome privilege we have as Americans. I take it for granted most of the time, but this week closes out our week of Mission Festival. It's so hard to imagine the life those persecuted for their faith live on a daily basis.

Well, we have an end date that was extended from the initial end date. I'm hoping this is the final one, but know that this will all happen in God's timing. I'm tired of the limbo, and am yearning to know what this all looks like post divorce. This journey all started January 17th, and our final date is January 19th. Addison's birthday is sandwiched between those days!!!

Have a wonderful, blessed Sunday!!!!

26.2 miles

I've always been intrigued by marathons. I mean, it is impossible for me to wrap my brain around the idea of running 26.2 miles! I once had grandiose ideas of someday completing one of these monster races, but have since marked it off my bucket list due to my knees. Having said that, I am in no way less fascinated by the idea! I have literally gone through the race in my mind, wondering at which point during those gruesome 26.2 miles I'd hit the wall-emotionally and/or physically. I can imagine that in training for a marathon, your body would gradually become accustomed to the physical idea of pounding the pavement step after step after step. The emotional exhaustion is what I believe would put you over the edge both mentally and physically. Having said that, I can relate what I have been going through to running a marathon. I feel like I've been pounding the pavement for about 23 miles now, and I'm spent. My legs are cramping, I'm dehydrated, my feet are covered in weeping blisters, my chest burns for a deep breath, and I don't feel like I can finish at this point! The finish line is still 3.2 miles away, so it's out of sight. I just want to quit. After all, It's unbelievable to run 23 miles! At the beginning of the race, I never imagined I'd make it this far! I'm thinking I might have come out running too fast, too early on. For those of you who've never competed in racing, when you come out too fast, are not well trained for the event, etc., there's a point during the race when your body has had enough. The lactic acid builds up in your legs and makes them feel like lead weights. All you want at that point is for the race to be over. In the sheer pain and frustration, you couldn't care less what place you get. You just want it to be over! Below is a little segment from a blog entitled "The worst day of my life":

"People talk about the wall but until you hit it you have no idea. Chris Boardman sums it up well, 'Towards the last three or four miles I just couldn't care less. I just wanted somebody to shoot me but since they wouldn't I had to keep going,'
From 21 miles I could have cried every time someone called my name, after the finish I could have sworn at every spectator getting in my way. Exhaustion does that to you."

I painfully get this! I'd like for someone to get me out of my misery right now also. But there's always been this part of me that won't allow me to quit! I've often hated it, since it has lead to unnecessary injuries and pain. I'm extremely stubborn and despise losing in a way that few people understand or even care to! My competitive drive has caused me more problems than not, but it is who I am. I have to finish strong and deal with the injuries later. For today, my pace is ultra slow. I'm going to have to limp along until I can find the strength to speed up again. I don't know when that might happen-maybe when the finish line is in full view, maybe not until after the race is finished and my body has time to heal itself! For now, one foot in front of the other...

RUNNER-Twila Paris

Courier valiant, bearing the flame
Messenger noble, sent in His name
Faster and harder, run through the night
Desperate relay, carry the light
Carry the light

Runner when the road is long
Feel like giving in but you're hanging on
Oh runner, when the race is won
You will run into his arms

Obstacle ancient, chilling the way
Enemy wakened, stoking the fray
Still be determined, fearless and true
Lift high the standard, carry it through
Carry it through

Mindful of many waiting to run
Destined to finish what you've begun
Millions before you cheering you on
Godspeed dear runner, carry it home
Carry it home

Ahhh, a new day

As I awoke this morning, I very hesitantly looked at the clock, wincing in fear that I'd see one of those dreaded numbers I've been seeing lately as stress and sleeping don't cohabitate well in me. As bad as it may sound, I was quite pleased to see a 5 something instead of a 2 or 3! I realized that I did, in fact, make it through one of the toughest days I've had emotionally since the first dark days! It seemed at every turn there was a new stressor, demand placed on me, emotion I couldn't deal with well, etc. It's on these day that satan really seems to use his evil ways to bring me down. A friend has been literally praying the armor of God over me for the past month or so:

10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

I'm afraid that all of this armor got a bit heavy and in my weakness, I took a few pieces off to take a breather! Huge mistake. I, of course, didn't do this consciously. However, as I started my day yesterday, I gave into the feeling of defeat. It happens to all of us as life seems to shove us into a tiny space and slam the door on what we've come to know. I chose to get up and start my day without the usual prayer time I need to start my day with! Having said that, isn't it a beautiful thing for us as Christians to know that each new day brings a new hope and a chance to start anew with no baggage from our yesterdays! Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is yet to come, so live today and only today! God is good. He is mighty. He is powerful. He is bigger than each and every problem we face. He is omnipotent and omniscient. He loves us so much we can't comprehend it. He wants only what is good for us. He ultimately wants us to let go and lay it all at his feet. He wants us to come to Him as we are, not how everyone else sees us. He wants us to come to Him dirty and messy and unkempt. He wants us to feel broken to the point that we have nothing left of ourselves. It's only then that He is fully able to do the work in us that He wants to do. I thought I'd let it all go and laid it all before the throne. But yesterday was a big day for me. I'm big on holding it together. I'd guess that even you who are very close to me have only seen or heard me crying over the past 8 months a couple of times. I hate losing control more than anything. I like control a lot. I've always struggled with it. I thought I'd been so completely broken throughout this process, that I'd given all control to Christ. I realized that I was holding on to that last little bit yesterday as the dam broke, and I was literally flat on my face at the feet of Jesus. In my angry, ugly, honest fit, he reached down, picked me up, and held me in His arms against His mighty chest. He just held me and let me know that He's bigger than ALL of this mess. His shoulders are strong enough to take my fit of rage. He let me know that in my weakness, He is strong. And He is all I need, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!!!!!

Sheila Walsh "Let Go"

These hands are holding on for life
Desperately trying not to fall
Clinging to broken dreams and shattered promises
No safety net at all
This heart has had all it can take
Who can I run to for help
My kingdom's crumbling into dust
So why am I still holding on

Let go and fall into the arms of love
Let go and put your trust in me
And I will carry you
And lift you high above the highest mountain
To a place of peace where healing flows
If only you let go

You gave yourself completely, Lord
My sin and shame nailed to the cross
Now I can live my life in freedom and joy
In freedom and in joy

So I let go and fall into the arms of love
Let go and trust you from now on
And you will carry me
And lift me up high above this mountain
To a place of peace where healing flows
So I let go, let go, let go
And love will carry you
And lift you high above the highest mountain
To a place of peace where healing flows
Just let go

This is my day, just the way it is-MESSY!

I think I have been fairly strong throughout this whole ordeal. I certainly take no credit for that, as only Christ could have given me the strength to go through the days I've faced! I have to admit that I've had this ongoing banter with Him over the last several months! I won't go into it in depth, but it involves a lot of my telling Him, the omnipotent, omniscient, King of Kings, etc., that I think He has made a huge mistake. Certainly this was not supposed to be my lot! Somewhere along the delivery route, it HAD to get mixed up! I'm not equipped to do this, nor do I think I can handle this another moment. Since He has not taken me out of this valley yet, even after I so kindly let Him know about this most obvious mistake, I am beginning to truly believe it IS my lot, and that I have to plow on, no matter how muddy it is, no matter how ill equipped I am, no matter what!!! This leads me to let you know that you get to hear a lot of my together, more sane days. So, if you are one of my closer friends, who happens to be digging deeper by reading my blog, I have to share the not so pretty days as well. This has to be one of my messier days. This is like my housekeeper hasn't been to the house in weeks, and you call to tell me you're outside my door kind of messy!!! Things have been getting a little more stressful than usual. I'm having problems on top of issues, on top of other junk. All of that mixed with sleep deprivation as a result of the former mentioned, made for it all "hitting the fan" this morning! I've not been angry at God throughout this whole situation. I don't know why, since I think it would be fairly common, though unwarranted. I broke this morning, and held my fists in the air, shaking them violently at God, yelling at the top of my lungs at Him for allowing me to go through this when at anytime, He could reach down and fix it all! I felt such anger and desperation, but ultimately there He was as I was in the midst of yelling at Him. I was literally telling Him that He needed to do SOMETHING to help me get through this day! I was threatening Him and crying out at the same time! I do not like being angry at my Savior and best friend! But He heard my cries through my fit of rage and sent a friend to take time out for me! I so don't deserve such a sweet Savior! She took a couple of hours out of her day to spend with me and I'm truly blessed by the vision of Jesus in her! She had no idea that I was in the middle of the worst break down I've yet had. At church on Sunday, Ann Graham Lotz was speaking, and asked us if we'd ever seen Jesus in someone! I see Jesus in my precious friend! I also got several unexpected encouraging emails from several friends, which further lifted my spirits. You see, He is always there, even when we lose sight of HIM! I can just see Him hurting for me while I'm yelling at Him, knowing how badly I'm hurting. On days like these, when I'm able to so clearly see His mighty hand working directly for me, I find myself in complete awe of Him, and feel so unworthy of such a Savior! I'm so thankful that I have Him though, although I am completely unworthy! Just fyi, I am much better now. I'm not ranting and raving and screaming at God! I do have to admit that my heart is still very heavy as George and I are moving into the final stretches of this road of divorce. In praying this week, please pray that as he and I meet to discuss the splitting of our lives and stuff, etc., Christ would plop Himself right down in the middle of our meetings and mediate as only He can. I don't know what my future looks like right now, but I know that ALL I want right now is for Christ to be at the center of it, because only He knows what I need, and what will further His good! I want each and every decision made to go through Him for approval. Also please pray that we would take no steps backward in how we are treating one another. We have reached a decent place after having struggled for awhile. I look back at the beginning of this, and see the amazing work God has done in my heart. I don't like to use the word "forgiveness" yet, because I don't think I'm mentally ready for that yet. I still hurt so much. But I have to say that even though I am not mentally ready, God is working on my heart in ways I couldn't have imagined even a couple of months ago. It's been a struggle as my mind and my heart have played tug-o-war over this. I'm not even remotely there, but can see hope for real forgiveness in the future. God is slowly but surely teaching me that your heart doesn't have to be completely healed to start down the path of forgiveness! Looking at this from Heaven's perspective, though very limited by my human nature, I can see how Christ has orchestrated the most beautiful picture of Himself through the mess of my life. He is in the business of turning nasty, ugly, vile stuff into something of beauty. As He continues to do this with what has become my lot, the mess that is my life, I am so excited to see the final picture someday. I know that it will be the most amazing, beautiful picture I have ever seen. I will be forever changed by this experience in the way of living my life for the Kingdom! Sorry about the mess today, but it happens! You have to take the good with the bad. Hugs to all of you! I thank God for each of you!

"I have a Hope!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSbJtqYow3Q

In the Valley

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OT8aTjVZHVI

Wow, I just had something happen that was very unexpected. I was grabbing a quick muffin and coffee, and walked by a girl who was wearing the perfume I wore on our wedding day and throughout our honeymoon. Funny (sometimes not so funny) how a smell takes you back to a certain place and time, and the reality of it is almost palpable. I went back to that day in April, 12 1/2 years ago. Our wedding pictures turned out so beautiful, since the sun was shining and it appeared to be the most pleasant day ever! However, one step into those pictures and you'd realize that the appearance was only superficial. It was about 40 degrees that day, very windy, and we were scattering to find heaters and tents for the reception, which was mostly outside. I can't help but wonder how close the comparison of that deceivingly beautiful day could be to the marriage that followed. It's hard to know in times like this, what was real and what was not. I can say without one bit of doubt that even in knowing how it would end, I'd do it again! I guess this is all bringing me around to saying that after having the influx of memories and emotions, I realized that I have felt so much emotion throughout the last 8 months, beginning with absolute shock and denial, and moving into anger, bitterness, rage, hatred, terror, and a lot of guilt and regret. You might realize, if you remember any of your Psy 101, that I've left out sadness! I've felt extreme, heart wrenching sadness for the kids! I've lain awake many nights crying my heart out over them and what they are, and will be facing! I thought I'd experienced the sadness I needed to move on. But I am only now realizing that I've not yet grieved for myself. I'm just realizing that I have yet to grieve the loss of my hopes and dreams for our marriage and life together. I've been so consumed with survival, and keeping the kids okay. I guess this is the good news, since I know I have to go through this. But that doggone perfume really sparked some emotions I wasn't prepared for today! I'm a doer though, so bring it on! I know my Father will carry me out of this desert and into the promised land (hope He doesn't choose to leave me here for 40 years!!!!). It's all temporary here in this world :)! Thank you Heavenly Father for another day! Please give me only what I need for the day, and we'll face tomorrow, together, TOMORROW!!!!

New seasons

I love the changing seasons. In Texas, they come so sporadically and often temporarily! This recent, earlier than usual, explosion of Fall, has kind of snapped me out of what has become my new normal. It has me somewhat nostalgic, and a little (well, maybe even a lot at times) sad! I think it's doing the same things to my children. While decorating the house in our Fall theme, we started speculating about decorating for Christmas. Christmas is our favorite time of year. Caroline asked, "Mom, we ARE going to be with you on Christmas, right?!" I honestly answered, "Baby, I don't know exactly what Christmas is going to look like this year, but no matter what, I'll definitely be with you some of the time on Christmas!" I felt my chin begin to quiver, as I've truly been living moment to moment and have been relying on Christ to give me only what I need for the day! Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I honestly had only had fleeting thoughts about the upcoming holiday's and what that would entail. Caroline's question provoked a series of other questions by all 3 of them, leading to moments of near panic when reality sunk in! "Will Dad be here for Santa? Will Dad get us presents? Will Dad be here when we wake up?" etc. Owwww my heart hurts at such times. How very unfair to these innocent babies to have to worry about such things. The very core of what they know has been so terribly disrupted. It's unnatural, and so not according to God's plan, that it's no wonder it feels like it's literally ripping me apart at the seams at times. Thanksgiving this year with family is going to be at our house. This is always such a sweet time with family. George has always "seemed" (I say this because a lot of what seemed to be was apparently not) to love our family's get togethers, even having certain special items family member's knew he would request! It hurts my heart to know that we will be sharing this special time this year as a family of 4, not 5! And quickly approaching thereafter, is my very favorite time of the year, Christmas. For the past 12 years, we have known what to expect for Christmas. We have our little traditions and rituals. It is a little more than concerning to think of how this will change this year. While my ultimate goal is to keep everything as normal for the kids as possible, I know that things will most definitely be different and that will directly affect them! In saying all of this, the amazing thing is that although it hurts my heart to think of such things, and yes I've shed a few tears in writing this, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my Savior will valiantly lead me through this next section of this path I am traveling! He has been so sweet to constantly show himself to me throughout the past 8 months (that's so hard to believe)! At my lowest times, He has plopped Himself right in my midst by sending an unexpected message from a friend, a precious book of His word dropped off at my door, bringing me a new friend, through Bible study lessons that pertained directly to what I've been dealing with, sermons at church which left me speechless, as things were said that were obviously specifically for little ol' me, and many more! In so many ways that I can't even express, He has shown His mighty, powerful, omnipotent hands "holding me in his palms" (as a friend so sweetly has prayed for us for many months)! One such occasion happened recently, when I received an email from an acquaintance, who has also gone through such trials. She quoted a scripture that she clung to during her whole ordeal and I'm so clinging to it now! Isaiah 26:3 "I will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Me because he trusts in Me." As I face the changing seasons, in my personal life and in nature, I know that I trust Him, so am fully expecting to find "perfect peace" as I face the upcoming, uncertain days! Have a blessed Sunday!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dwpdZdvCl8

Robbie Seay Band "It's a New Day"

This is one of my favorite bands and songs right now. I first heard this band when our worship pastor played as people were coming in before church started.

I'm gonna sing this song
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you're like me
You need hope, coffee, and melody
So sit back down
Let the world keep spinning ‘round
For yesterday's gone and today is waiting on you to show your face

It might not be
The prettiest thing that you'll ever see
But it’s a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day
And it might not look like
A beautiful sunrise
But it's a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day

I’m a pilgrim soul
I've traveled far and come back home
This land is hard and cold
For those who long to love
And I know it might seem
That the world is crumbling
But it’s me and you dancing in the kitchen at 2 am
And we're still alive

It’s the calm of the storm that comes blowing in
It’s the springtime saying I'm back again
The clouds that roll by
Crossing moonlight
Me and you love – everything's alright
Standing in the rain with nowhere to go
Laughing and we're spinning and I hope that you
Remember this day
For the rest of your life
Me and you love – everything’s gonna be alright

And it just might be
The prettiest thing that you'll ever see
It’s a new day
Oh baby, it’s a new day
If you look outside
To see a beautiful sunrise
It’s a new day

In the beginning....

I've decided to start a blog! I am praying that it will serve many purposes. Mainly, my hope is that it will allow me to better organize my thoughts and prayers during this time in my life. I've found that during times when I'm so distressed and confused, it's hard for me to even know what I'm thinking. In writing, I find comfort. Secondly, I hope it will allow you, my friends and family, to better know what's happening. Life is so chaotic, it's hard to convey specifics in a 5 minute conversation in carpool. Also, it allows you to check up on me whenever you want to, without having to listen to me rant and rave, whine and moan, etc. LOL! God has blessed me with such an amazing support system. He is so good to me! Happy blogging!