It's Friday, but Sunday's a Comin!!!

A few years back a video surfaced with this title! It was around Easter, and to be honest, I don't remember exactly where I saw it first. But it was powerful enough to stick with me since. Each Good Friday, I post it on my Facebook page to try to get my heart and mind in the mindset of Easter and what my Savior has done for me. This year as I was posting it, I kept hearing that still, small whispering tug at my heart. God was trying to say more than what I had heard in the past years. "It's your Friday, but hold on, your Sunday's a comin."

The past few years have been littered with bumps, bruises, beatings, rejection, disappointment, and difficulty, along with a few bright spots as well. My new normal has evolved, and has in some ways become easier. Those first days and months were filled with sheer sadness, desperation, hopelessness, and shock. I stumbled through the darkness in blinding pain, not knowing how to take my next step. As time wore on, that disabling pain changed into more of a dull ache, of which I was constantly aware, but which was bearable. The grass started turning green again, and I felt the life come back into my lungs. But even on the best of days, there is a struggling that persists. It's a very difficult path I am on, and I often feel unequipped and ill prepared for the rougher spots. However, through it all, God has made His presence very known to me, and has spoken more loudly and clearly than I have ever experienced. As I watched the video this morning, Good Friday, I saw this short sermon in a new light. It has been Friday in my life for a few years, but my Sunday is coming. I don't know when that might be! There may be several more years of the struggle, but Sunday is most definitely coming.

I do not believe that Christ died on the cross to solely cleanse us of our sins and give us life everlasting. I DO believe this was the purpose at the center of the cross. However, I believe it was also meant to be a symbol of hope for us in the midst of trying times, a beacon of light when all else seems lost. We all have times that are our Friday's. But around the corner, Sunday is beaming. On this day so many years ago, Jesus Christ was at His all time low. He even felt His Father had forsaken Him. He just wanted it to be over. But around the corner, Sunday was coming!

Rest

Driving the kids to school today, I reflected on the crazy, busy week I've had. It started with a wonderfully exhausting tennis drill which left me struggling to move. My TOT sample classes started, in which I have to do a class for every child between the ages of 2 1/2 - 5. Add to that the many other demands, dealing with kids and school, laundry, house, yard, kids, soccer, church, LIFE, and it dawned on me that I haven't stopped all week. It's been one thing butted up against another, and it had taken its toll.

As I drove in the driveway, wanting nothing more than to just sit down and rest awhile, I glanced at the yard. Apparently I had grossly neglected it over the last couple of weeks. I grabbed my headphones, started the mower, gritted my teeth and took off. My lower back started killing me almost immediately. Lifting all of my TOT equipment and bending over picking up the equipment many times a day had taken its toll. I got about half of the yard done and my hamstrings started getting tight. I could see I was not going to be able to finish! As overgrown as my yard was, there was no way I could leave it the way it was. I turned the mower off and sat down to try to figure out what to do. I cranked Pandora up, and the following song came on:

http://youtu.be/Ao1iaIxRAA8

"Lord, I Need You - Chris Tomlin" Lyrics
by Passion Worship Band | from the album Passion: Here For You

Verse 1:
Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart

Chorus:
Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Verse 2:
Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Bridge:
So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay


It hit me that during this crazy week, I had failed to stop and rest, both physically and spiritually. This is admittedly one of my biggest weaknesses! It comes with the territory of my DNA. I come from a long line on non-resters! Every female as far back as I can go, on my mom's side of the family, is as ADHD as you can get. We are blessed with a bounty of energy, and cursed with the fact that we are constantly on the go. Even when I am "resting," my mind is going through the list of all of the things I am not currently doing. It is no wonder that I am constantly tattered and feeling overwhelmed. I have to make a very conscious decision to sit and rest in His presence. My back was feeling so much better after sitting and resting for a few minutes. I felt like I could finish the daunting task of tackling my yard. My soul felt lifted and ready to face the rest of the day! Just as our physical bodies get tired and need rest, so do we tire spiritually.


Lord, please stop me and help me remember how very much I need my time with you each and every hour. You know how hard it is for me to rest! These times are fast and furious, and the world tells us we are weak when we are unable to keep on keeping on without stopping! Remind me how much better I am when I stop to acknowledge You and spend time with you.


"Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You"

Dirvorce-IT happens!

I recently found out that a dear friend's husband made the life altering decision to leave her and their children. It was calculated, planned, and executed with precision. This decision has taken my friend off of the path she had planned to be on until death parted she and her husband. Hearing this news rocked me to the core, for several reasons. The first is that I would never have guessed that this man would choose this route. He seemed solid, devoted to his family, a "good guy." But it also rocked me to the core because my divorce is still so fresh. I remember well the feelings she is feeling, the absolute desolation and devastation. I remember the shock, depression, and visceral pain. And it has made me realize that the wounds I truly thought had healed, had merely scabbed over. They are weeping again.

When God allows our paths to change so drastically, it's a very turbulent situation. This loving, powerful, omnipotent God who loves us beyond comprehension, allows us to feel pain and desperation beyond anything we feel we can survive. It makes us ask questions of our God that we never wanted to ask. "How can you allow this? Do you really love me? If so, why don't you stop this?! Why, why, why?!" I remember getting angry at my God, yelling at Him, banging my fists into the sky! That's a sick feeling, but one that you simply cannot help at such times. However, what I remember more than the anger during those darkest hours, is that He made Himself known and heard in ways that left me breathless and speechless. I would turn on the radio in the car and hear a scripture that was comforting. Everywhere I would go for several days, I would hear this scripture, see this scripture, etc. It would be on everywhere! He made it very clear that it was a message directly from Him. If I was feeling especially scared, He would send a scripture of comfort. If my heart was filled with worry, He would send a scripture about peace. I remember a particular time when I was driving myself to a meeting at the attorney's office. I was shaking violently all over, and felt like I was going to have to pull my car over to get sick on the side of the road. I didn't even have words to pray. But during that time I kept my Bible in the front seat of the car at ALL times. It was a source of comfort to look over and see His word sitting there, knowing that the answer to any question I might have was right there! His word fed me like a starving child. As I was driving, a sense of calm literally washed over me starting at the top of my head down to the bottoms of my feet. It felt like a warm liquid that was so soothing to all of my wounds. And at the same time, I kept hearing in my head "Psalm 143, Psalm 143, Psalm 143." So as I drove up to the attorney's office and parked the car, I looked it up:

Ps 143 NIV
A psalm of David.
1 LORD, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
like those long dead.
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
6 I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.[a]

7 Answer me quickly, LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,
for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.

11 For your name’s sake, LORD, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.

I was floored. Every emotion I was feeling at that moment was touched upon in this Psalm! He was just letting me know that He heard my prayer even when I had no words. How sweet is our Heavenly Father! How amazing is His love for us! That was a moment I consider much like those amazing miracles in the Bible. He spoke almost audibly to me to simply show me that He was right there, and was in complete control. For my friend who has just entered this battle field, I pray for these moments that will carry her through. I pray for His nearly audible voice to reach down and pour a calm over her entire being. My heart is broken for her and for our situations, but our God is a God Who had bigger plans for us even when we can't see them out of our dark pit!!!!!

Middle School

Middle School!!!!! Upon realizing I have only one week left of my rotation in middle school, I have learned a lot over the past several weeks. I had a very rough first week, setting this whole thing up as a negative experience. I broke up 2 fights and felt like a sore thumb as everyone tried to find a place for me in my new surroundings. I had no office or even a chair, leaving me to sit on the floor in the girl's office. I was a new face to the kids, leaving them a little skeptical as to what my purpose truly was! Was I there to inflict some kind of new torture on them, was I out to get them in trouble, etc. I was thrown into a group of coaches, none of whom I knew, who knew each other well, had inside jokes, etc. All of this is to simply say that the first few weeks were not fun. As the weeks wore on, I have gotten more comfortable in my new skin. I don't think middle schoolers will ever be my favorite segment of population. But I also have come to realize that though they often have head spinning, vomit spewing fits, they are not truly possessed creatures. They are kids. Some are sweet to the bone, others not so much. Some have wonderful, loving families, others have a far cry from that. I have seen a child taken out of class to visit with CPS about being hit by their father, and I had taken offense to the child's defiant attitude earlier in class. Go figure!!! I'd be angry and defiant as well. I've gotten sweet valentine's, big bear hugs, and wiped a few tears. I've talked a girl with emotional issues out of a corner where she refused to leave because "no one cared." I have seen kids twice my size, who look like they are twice their age, break down and cry because they are still just babies at heart. And I have wanted to yank every hair out of a few heads and wash mouths out with soap, etc. I have survived the culture shock of being in a community where morals and values truly matter to the majority, where disrespect is dealt with strongly and lovingly, and where Christ is at the center of everything done. Public school is very different and for those of you who aren't sure, you should visit to experience it yourself. I can promise the time of the month when that check is made out, would become less of a pain and more of a thankful moment. I am thankful for those Christian parents who send their kids into a place where Christ is so needed. We need more warriors there who are strong enough in their faith to shine their lights! I will now be adding these kids to my daily prayer list!!! I have grown to love those with whom I am working! I couldn't have found a better fit as far as personalities, etc. I will miss them and hope to sub there next year since the market is looking not so great! I will greatly miss a few of the students whom I have gotten to know well. It's very touching when a child reaches out to you and trusts you with their little lives. This part of teaching, the relationships, is what I am really looking forward to! I think I have a real gift of true care and concern for kids. I have found it is a gift that not all teachers share. So, all in all, I would brave middle school again. But I anxiously await getting to the little guys. One more week in middle school, and I graduate to elementary!!!

Things change!

I've recently found the most amazingly wise woman to follow. Her name is Regina Brett, and she has been a single mom, breast cancer survivor, and is wise beyond her 54 years! She wrote a little ditty called "45 Life Lessons, and 5 to Grow On." They all struck a cord with me, but the one that has become my mantra of sorts is, "Things can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks." Wow, now that is one refreshing statement. How comforting to know that even when our world is changing ever so drastically, God is in complete control and never blinks. He knows what is, what has been, and what is to come.

On that note, I approach this blog with a new outlook. It seems my life has been changing for the past 3 years on a daily basis. Each time we round a corner, something new awaits. Most of this newness has been a challenge, to say the least. However, my new newness is one of joy, restoration, and a hope for smoother roads ahead. It's amazing how our God works. When things happen that we don't understand, that hurt us, that confuse us, we have to accept the fact that our God is soooo far ahead of us in His plan. He knows things we could never understand. 17 years ago, I was in a similar situation. I was just out of college, young and free, and had just met the most wonderful, handsome guy. I thought he was the one within a month or so of dating. However, things changed when I called him one day after dating for about 2 months, and asked him what he'd been doing. His response, "I took my 5 year old daughter to her first day of kindergarten today." SHOCK!!! I had no idea, and he had wanted to wait to tell me for his own reasons. However, after the shock wore off, I grew to accept and even to love her. Circumstances mounted, and the immaturity of this 23 year old, forced me to make the decision to bale. He was going to school, paying child support, wrecked his only source of transportation, lost his insurance, etc. Times were tough for him, and I was unable to handle his baggage at the time. At the same time, a doctor at the hospital had been asking me everyday if I still had my boyfriend. I'd tell him yes. He would ask the next day. On the day after I told Mike it was not going to work out at the time, the doctor asked me the question, and this time my reply was "no." He asked me out and the next segment of my life began. I married him, had 3 beautiful children and marriage that slowly died over those years.

Mike went on with his life, and I with mine. Forward 17 years and we reconnect through a friend on facebook. As God would have it, we both are divorced, single, and have found that those sparks that were there are still alive. He is the sweetest, most amazing man I have ever met. He has given me hope that I thought was completely lost. I had NO plans of ever getting involved with anyone again, but God always has His own plan! Only He could've written such a story. He makes me feel like the
me" I lost somewhere along the way. It is a story that seems to be going from ashes to beauty. Of course, the story is just unfolding. Who knows where God will take it. There are 3 children involved, who will play a huge role in the story. But for now, I am loving this chapter! " Things can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks."

New beginnings

As the year comes to a close, I can honestly say that I am glad to have this one behind me. It has almost been 3 years now since my life took an alternate route. I had intended to stay on that same route the rest of my life, but life happens, and things change. Whereas it has felt as though we have been stranded in the desert for the past few years, I can finally see some fresh, new growth. While in the desert, everything was so dead. We were parched and dying a little more each day. Over each sand dune, I would pray for a drop of water to get us through the next one. And drops there were. God was so good to supply our every need. And eventually, as we travelled on in the desert, the terrain slowly but surely started changing. Instead of drops of water, we would find a small puddle here or there. Just when we felt we could go on no longer, God would satisfy our thirst and supply us with enough to go on. Eventually, we found a pond and green grass aplenty. Now, it seems there are still areas in which the grass struggles to grow, but overall there is so much more alive than dead! I am looking forward to this new year. As we attempt to find our new normal, we are excited to see what God has in store for us! Things are constantly changing, and we face new situations each day, but our God is a good God and will never let us down! Happy New Year!!! Blessings, Carol

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful" (John 15:1 NIV).

It has been quite a while since I have blogged! I've sat down several times and started one, but just never had it in me to finish. The past few years, in hindsight, have become quite a blur! They have been years of change, of pruning, of heartbreak, spiritual renewal, friendships, and again, much change. Around this time 3 years ago, I knew my marriage was coming to an end. I was aware of things that were yet to be mentioned, and much that was yet to be discovered, but all in all, I knew it was over. I remember putting out Christmas gifts that year, with tears flowing uncontrollably, with a sense of the impending and inevitable change that was just around the corner. I visualized past Christmas memories-when each child was born and we experienced that year with them, Christmas times when it was just the 2 of us, and the list goes on and on.

Sure enough, the changes came, and the kids and I have been through so much over the past few years. There have been heart wrenching times when we all huddled together and just cried. There were times when they held me and many times when I just held them and cried with them. There were times I wanted to run out of the house screaming for someone to come handle this beast that I was handed, feeling quite incapable! But there have been times of sheer laughter, joy unspeakable, and a peace that only an awesome God like the one we serve could allow at such a time.

We have now become accustomed to our new skin. We are constantly adjusting, but this has become our new normal. This past year, we left the home that had welcomed the arrival of 2 of the kids. They all took their first steps in that house, cut teeth in that house, and grew for many years. We had made friends with neighbors who had become like family. We knew each blade of grass in the front and back yard. We said goodbye to our beloved creek which held memories of rock skipping competitions, numerous photo sessions, and many ruined pairs of shoes! Each square inch of that house held a memory. Most of those memories were wonderful, but there were a few that we were glad to bid farewell. It was a very emotional experience, and one that I think helped us to finally realize the magnitude of change that had occurred. It was a definitive closing of one chapter, and a beginning of a brand new one. I had many fears during the transition. My only concern was that the kids would welcome our new home as a place of new, happy beginnings. With their dad moving into our old house, I was afraid it would hold them back from moving forward. But the move has been such a blessing. We are all very happy and this has become home. Home is truly where the heart is. One of the kids came home from a weekend at their old house with their dad and said, "Mom, it's really weird, but that house doesn't feel like home anymore!" Need I say more?

I am beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel. I am finishing my teaching certificate this semester, and will hopefully and prayerfully be more self sufficient next year. I am able to look back at that dark pit that consumed me for years and am thankful to be looking down into it as opposed to looking up from it! God has supplied my each and every need throughout these years. It has been a time during which I have seen my Savior in a new light. He has become a constant friend, and has been there to hold me when I have needed Him most. I've been a Christian for many years, but have found a new closeness I have never experienced. For this, I am eternally grateful. I have been changed through this experience, and I would not go back to the old me for anything.

I am looking forward to what God has in store for me. I am excited to see His story unfold. I know it will be to His glory and a plan that will prosper me! I can't wait to tell my ashes to beauty story...